August 1/06
Cannons wake up smelling funny
Discover that they've sh*t the bed. Season over.

July 23/06
Not much to say about that
Team blows midseason tournament...again.

First a 3-3 tie against perennial cellar-dwelling A's, then a "close" 10-4 loss to the Moose, then a poorly organized fundraiser (total funds-raised, $55.75).

Fundraiser flop
Next fundraiser to be held in dark basement. Leonard Cohen, Jack Daniels and a shotgun with 12 shells to provide entertainment.

July 14/06
Flawed bases don't slow Cannons
2nd straight win makes everybody friends again

With their second straight convincing win, this time against the first place (bum)Pirates, the Cannons have managed to put an embarrassing season behind them and are now looking forward to the midseason tournament.

In other news, Geoff Mulligan, the NSMBA (North Shore Mens Bush League) President has apologized for his lack of foreskin and for not equipping the InterRiver fields with adequate farm implements which, in baseball are usually used for fabricating home-made bases for the field.

A View from the bench
with the Hammer

A Win, Flips and some Beers
Yes, I think it is safe to say that we're not losers anymore, we're just a bunch of tools who got lucky 2 games in a row! Although with the firepower of Brad Smith, it would have been even more dismal for the useless Pirates. As for the episode with no bases being at the field...Wow. Maybe we can use the president's foreskin for a base next time! Kraz impressed by keeping too busy, maybe it's because he has been getting ass groped by a certain player not to be mentioned.

July 11/06
Cannons wihn!
In what must be a scorekeepers mistake, the Cannons play an ERRORLESS game and win for the first time in 6 games and for just the 3rd time this season. It's been so long the headline writer even forgets how to spell the word win.

Devin Carl throws strikes
Baffles teammates and opponents alike.

With the only 3 pitching victories for the Cannons this season, the newest addition to the Cannons "pitching staff," Devin Carl has introduced a new pitch to the team. It's known as the "strike."
"It's absolutely mesmerizing," says one team member. "So the other team doesn't necessarily have to get on base? Hmmm, interesting." said another.

The so called "strike-pitch" had so far been unheard of in a brutal Cannon 2006 season as Carl refused to divulge his secret pitch to the rest of his teammates.

A View from the bench
with the Hammer
Yes the fat lady did sing (and it wasn't just another one of Hammer's girlfriends)!!!! With an astounding upset Hell has frozen over. Things are looking on the up and up but let's not get too cocky yet. We're still absolutely and brutally embarassing. How do you spell 'laughing stock' anyways!? At least we had beer this time. Baby steps!

July 9/06
"It'll turn around"
"little bit late"

Team motto gets a little stale after 11 losses.

Come on, when do you throw in the towel and start thinking about next year. Seriously.

Where's my Lips?
Controversy and deceit plague one of the greatest indians ever.

The team sparkplug is sorely missed and there is no National team to blame. Come back to us Kenny Webb, Johnny, Lips, KCK, My buoyyyy, it's not the same without you. Noot noot perfect attaboy.
Love from, The Cannons.

an open letter to Brad Smith
Bradius to retire?
Homosexuality and too many gay bars to blame?

You have no right to quit. The cornerstone of a good old fashioned Cannons' good time has absolutely no say in whether he wants to quit or not. If you want a good time you don't "find it," YOU ****ing DAMN well make it Smithers, you know that, and you know that you are the good time, now smarten up and get to the frigging ball field or else.

A View from the bench
with the Hammer
The Squamish Squaws will be practicing today to a sold out track field at Burnaby North Secondary. You are most welcome!! In actuality the only sellout happening is 90% of the team. But we're all there in heart i'm sure. Tryouts for the re-format of the team will be held at the mamquam reservation behind vic harrys old house. Bring the bannock bitch!!

June 30/06
Midseason tournament approaches
Cannons prepare to make annual donation to the winning team.

The annual midseason tournament, otherwise known to the Cannons' as the "Congratulations for beating us" tournament will take place during the week of July 17-23 at the Inter-River fields.

Thursday, July 20@6:30pm InterRiver C at. A's
Saturday, July 22@11:00am InterRiver D vs. Moose

June 17/06
Bradeus' birthday extravaganza
Tyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer no Tyleeeeeeeeeeeer call some bitches Tyler, Collins and Doodle are in town, I have to prove myself to them and they are the biggest pimps in the city yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. They'll probably pick up your roommate rubberbum tyleeeeeer. Come here tyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer let me grab you with my club hands tyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer. Well if this sounds appealing to you come one come all!

June 16/06
A View from the bench
with the Hammer
Hammer on 3 day DL

Due to a cold that sucks, Hammer is temporarily on the DL. Maybe it's a good thing he gave up the houseboat. Like it matters anyways because our team is brutal. Corey, Jamie and the crew could do better with a dried up dead salmon and some cedar bark.

June 10/06
A View from the bench
with the Hammer
Look what I found

Game Summary:
Dave Jones, with a brilliant "look what i found catch" was the only highlight of the game. Team meeting minutes conclude using fundraising money to pay teams to let us win due to our highly non-respectable record. Kraz as always kept busy. Johnny 2 hats seemed a bit lost on the bases which sparked a burning and kinda strange and never before seen rage in Mr. Firbank. Oxygen tanks and tazers were needed but the situation got resolved with some chrone and some sauce. Once again Troy Murphy IS a big deal around here just ask Randy. A Brandon Mason car egging will take place this week details to come...

June 10/06
Gots to git paid
After a weekend payday windfall and a record 3 people paying their league fees, the Cannons are officially in the black for the first time ever. Guns, cocaine, hookers, blowjobs and Nintendo here we come.

In other news SouthWest Contracting CEO says: "I'm not sure if you know, but Troy Murphy is a pretty big deal around here."

June 10/06
Comeback Kid
Burnaby area McDonalds' and slurpee vendors' prepare for record-breaking profits as Cannons 1st base coach announces his return to, well, base coaching.

After 2 years' exile in Saskatchewan, a somewhat meatier "Big Chief Chuck" is returning to the Cannons "coaching staff," mostly to pick up foul balls and point to second base, but also to find his missing Playstation.

June 10/06
Twat gets thumb jammed
"It hurts like hell!"
Anthony Hughson comes out on the losing end of home plate collision. Put on 7 day disabled list. "I should be okay for Saturday."
A little throbbing never stopped a twat before.

June 5/06
Post game party
Oscar's Pub to host another post game fun-filled evening. Yay. Saturday June 10th. Bring the kids! Rubber bums and East Van Warriors get free admission.

Also, Justin "it's just that my belt is shrinking" Krazanowski puts out a hot wing eating challenge.

June 4/06
Wedding blamed for weekend losses
Roster depleted as 5 players attend wedding, kid playing left field wearing jeans walks home after 2 innings.

June 2/06
What happened to "Go Time?"
Waning interest in having a good time leave some wondering about team's priorities; career, responsibility, sobriety largely thought to blame.

June 1/06
Eat my shorts?
Kevin Mackie feeding his own child his pants?

After the continued degradation of his baseball pants, there can be only one answer. Baby Ethan has been eating daddy's pants.

May 31/06
A View from the bench
with the Hammer
Bald man syndrome

Hair club for men is a possible sponsor for our team. Our team leader suffers from hair loss, pms AND he takes away baseball gloves which also shows slight alzheimer's approaching. Let's have a moment of silence for this sad lonely soul. Well if you are this site you must be lonely . PEACE OUT!

May 29, 2006
Universal Healthcare
After becoming the first organization in history to be given a Refillable Team Ritalin prescription, the season looked as though it were off to a promising start with an impressive 6-3 win in the opener. This was not to be however, as the Cannons dropped the pill and promptly fell apart in an error-filled bitchfest of a second game. Noted one source close to the team, "I thought ADHD was just a myth, but after seeing this team in action I guess I was wrong."

Team physician, Ty Stephenson, who swears he has nothing to profit from said prescription, was quick to back up his actions. "When you get this many people together with a combined IQ equivalent to that of a purse seiner you're bound to have, umm, personality difficulties." He went on to say that "even though the prescription was for name brand Ritalin, (generic pills were given out) I am by no means 'swallowing' the difference as has been widely reported in the past."

May 7, 2006
Brad Smith visits after hours club.

May 6, 2006
Liquor Delivery Man Dave Firbank wins surprising victory in liquor raffle!
Brings booze to the raffle and then wins raffle. You do the math.

Players of the week

Aug 1
Tie game, 6th inning. In an officiating misunderstanding, Anthony Hughson is ejected from yet another game with no one on the bench, causing team to forfeit. If we won those 3 forfeits this year we'd be in the playoffs. Now that's using your head.

July 22
Once again, a poor effort all around and Corey Lewis gets the nod as the premier indian.

July 15
Keepin busy with Kraz. 4-7, double, triple, 2 runs and a 5 inning, 1 run domination of the 1st place Pirates. Just keepin busy.

July 8
Not even the absence of life-long crush Jenica Sorban could stop Troy 'Balco' Murphy from crushing 3 home runs and 7 rbi's in his first 3 at bats in an 11 inning heartbreaking loss to the Moose. "I thought she was gonna be there for me, I don't know!"

June 25
After an 8 day drinking binge and a 2 year absence from the mound, Troy Murphy comes out to pitch a complete game loss while wearing stinky pants given to him by a drunken player from other team.

June 18
Jon Vanzella's relentless attack on the base paths creates a headache for all watching. But the first homerun of the season makes up for it, I guess.

June 11
Bradius Smithers (Atanarjuat) goes 2-3 with 2 rbi's with only using his club hands, virtually the only offence in a lacklustre effort.

June 3
Kelvin Mackie shows that you don't need oversized balls and a big ego to be a good ballplayer.

  • Barenaked managers -Gearing down since 2006-2008 and 2011-2013
  • Don't forget to keep busy with KRAZZZZZZ
  • Cannons WIN the triple crown!
  • Jumpstarting Chevy vans since 2010

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