May 28/23
8:29 am




Maple Ridge

Team Ticker:
  • After Throwing The Jerks First One-Pitcher No-no, Benedictson Gets No Mound Time Vs. Firebirds. Go Figure.
  • Out of the Woodwork. Alumni Groz, Dooze %26 Schwab Suit up Against Firebirds.
  • Cavanagh Brothers AWOL. Authorities Suspect Jr. Caught "The Gay" and Steve Joined a Nudist Colony.
  • Cube: UnRetired!.....Mike Jr: Still Not Smiling!....Langdow: Still Doesn't Get It!
  • Benedicston Starring in Gay Porn Remake of Brokeback Mountain called Ronnie Mountin'.
Player of the game:
(Jun 9/06)
Ronald Benedictson

Breaks out of season long slump with a perfect showing at the plate - hitting, scoring and driving in runs. After no hitting the Baby Jerks, Ron see zero time on the mound and is forced to settle with having 4 other Jerk pitchers leach off his quality game calling. His framing was so good that after the game several art galleries called to offer him a job.
Countdown to Our Next Game
(Jun 16/06)

HAMMOND, British Columbia (Reuters) - Maple Ridge Jerks Baseball Club owner Cory Gaston has become the subject of several tabloid headlines as compromising photos of the Maple Ridge resident have been leaked to several media outlets world-wide. The photos, picturing Gaston engaging in several homo-erotic positions with an as yet unnamed partner, have led to questions regarding his true sexual orientation (not that there's anything wrong with that). The scandal, which reached international proportions within minutes of the photos publication, has resulted in an embarrassing distraction for the ball club which has just entered its 6th season (their inaugural in the PMBL) by opening the 2006 schedule with a 6-2 win over the Canadians.
To complicate matters for the Jerks organization, P/OF/2B Ron Benedictson is rumoured to have willingly been behind the camera lens for the scandalous photos, as well as the graphic 17 minute gay home porn video that has since been seized by court injunction. Currently the Gaston Estate is attempting to reach an out of court settlement with current holder of the tape, Seymour Butts Productions LTD., in order to ensure that this embarrassing video never sees the light of day.
It remains to be seen how these untimely events will affect the Jerks team in the next game (Friday, May 12th versus the Redhawks) and throughout the course of the season. Initial reports out of Hammond Stadium suggest that a conglomerate comprised of a number of active members of the Jerks are actively formulating a business plan to purchase a share majority in order to force Gaston to relinquish control of the organization.

Latest News:
- Alumni out in force in shutout against Firebirds. None impress.
- Jerk Ronald Benedictson throws first one-pitcher no hitter in franchise history in exhibition against Baby Jerks.
- 60 year old ace Mike Mitzel storms off field prior to first pitch against the Baby Jerks. Claims hemophilia of the mouth while some speculate ongoing contract rift.
- Jerks an error and a walk away from a combined perfect game - Team settles for disappointing 3 pitcher no hitter against Canadians.
- No applicants for Field Boss or Base Coach. Set plays and stealing has been banned for the season.


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