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Feb 27/20
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ULTIMATE PYLONS
NEWS 2010
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Winnipeg
MB
Canada


Member of the L.M.S.A. SPONGE HOCKEY




 

February 5, 2010

The Pylons return tonight after having their 11 game unbeaten streak snapped in a hard fought 4-3 loss to the Crew. The team was unlucky, hitting the post on three seperate chances but also were punished for their lack of discipline conceding two power play goals. The team hopes to start a new streak this weekend where they have 4 games to play.

Game Notes: Paul Bueti recorded a shutout in game 1. This was the first time in pylons' history that the team had recorded back to back shutouts.

February 1, 2010

The Ultimate Pylons enter the week flying high after extending their unbeaten streak to 10 games. The Pylons added two more victories on Saturday night including their first shutout of the season. Goalie Andrew Kalpur had an excellent game keeping his team in the game until they took hold of the game. The defensive performance added to an already impressive season for the defence who continue to put in solid efforts each game.

Game Notes: Chris Pullen score the winner in game 1 despite playing with a broken finger and broken heart.

January 19, 2010

Pylons Rocked By Flinstone Vitamin Scandal

After starting the regular season undefeated, the Ultimate Pylons were today rocked by accusations of Flinstone Vitamin Doping as implicating in the eSpongee News Weekly article, "Where The Pylons Get Their BAM-BAM!" The article suggested that both star player Kyle Lagiewka and rookie teammate Grace Sniezek were somehow involved in the scandal. Allegiations have been thrown at Lagiewka, suggesting that his incredible start to the new year has been fueled by Flinstone Vitamins. The article has also questioned the freak-like back and neck muscles of Sniezek which appear unnatural on a such a petite woman. When asked to comment on the accusations, Lagiewka responded while gyrating his hips, "This is all natural baby!!! Some of us are just naturally gifted. If you have a problem with it...TALK TO GOD!!!!". League Commissionaire Matt Sigfusson indicated that the league will continue to look into the situation but at this point it has not found any credible evidence to substantiate the allegiations. GM Trethart spoke to reporters and stated that the team supports both players implicated in the article. Trethart declared while winking, "The article provides nothing but empty accusations....where would they even get the Flinstone Vitamins....Do you know any dirty pharmacists......I Don't!!!". When cornered by reporters looking for a comment, Sniezek refused to talk about the article but instead said, "I have a game to prepare for and a wedding to plan.".

January 17, 2010

Ocho-Kyle-O Fills The Net But Trethart Steals The Show

The Pylons continued their amazing start to the season last night, adding two more victories. Superstar Lagiewka added 7 Goals and 1 assist to his season totals in another amazing performance. Despite Lagiewka's production, the locker room was buzzing with praise after the game for Pylons' defenceman Alison Trethart. Trethart was rock solid last night while logging an increbile amount of ice time.

Game Notes: Pylons' female rookie Kelly Larkin is averaging a point per game since joining the team. Kelly is the first female since former pylon Erin Schultz to be able to regularly raise the puck off the ice. YOU GO GIRL!!! A season high 4 Pylons fans were in attendance last night bringing the total regular season attendance up to 8. At this pace the Pylons will have a chance at breaking their team record of 16 spectators in a season.  

January 16, 2010

Today, the Ultimate Pylons announced the two finalists for this year's inductee into the team's Hall of Fame. This year's finalists include the founder of the team, Shannon Andruski (Robb) and notorious jersey hater,  Richard Mathurin. Voting is currently underway and the winner will be announced shortly.

January 15, 2010

After winning one game and tying the other last weekend, the pylons return to action this Saturday. A major talking point this week was the rumored return of Pylons' power forward Dennis Petrelli. When asked to comment on Petrelli's game status, GM Trethart stated, "We are optimistic but cautious about his return. We know that even if he returns, his game fitness won't be there and he could be a bit rusty.".  When asked where in the lineup Petrelli would fit in, Trethart declared,"Well obviously we'll try and put him back with Lagiewka, they are our team's Kurri and Gretzky.".  The potential return could affect the point production of Ryan Shymko who has excelled alongside Lagiewka. When questioned about the possibility of losing his spot alongside Lagiewka, Shymko said, "Of course he'll be back there....there is no concern about game fitness when you don't move on the ice.".

Game Notes: Pylons' enforcer Larry Eloy enters Saturday's game only 6 penalty minutes away from setting the team's record for most career penalty minutes. The current record holder, former goaltender Jay P. left the team in disgrace several years ago after having a breakdown during the championship final and was last seen entering anger management.

January 6, 2010

Lagiewka Shines Bright, Bueti's Star Fades

The Pylons started the 2010 regular season tonight and came away with  a win and a tie. Spongee Superstar Kyle Lagiewka was in mid-season form, registering 7 points over the two games. Unfortunately the same could not be said of prospect Paul Bueti. Going into the regular season, expectations were high that Bueti would become the next great thing. However, Bueti struggled tonight. even though he did score one goal, Bueti was on the ice for 4 out of the 5 opponent's goals throughout the night. When asked to comment on his performance Bueti shouted, "This is bullsh*t". The Pylons return Saturday for two more games...Don't miss the action.

January 5, 2010

Petrelli's Olympic Dream Ends Due To Injury.

For Dennis Petrelli the Olympic Dream in 2010 is Over. On January 4, 2010, Spongee Canada announced its roster for the upcoming Olympics and tragically the name Petrelli was not on the list. After training for the past four years, the roster spot that was suppose to be his was plucked away due to an injury that has sidelined the sniper for about a month. While trying to hold back tears, Petrelli stated, "I guess the only thing that was bigger than my olympic dream was the size of my toe. The coaches couldn't take the chance that i wouldn't heal in time and I guess the injury left them no choice.". If being left off the roster was hard enough to swallow for power forward, the injury has also prevented the pylons player from participating in the olympic torch relay."I guess you can't really run with the torch if you can barely walk.". For most, Vancouver 2010 will be filled with glorious memories while for Petrelli, it will just be filled with thoughts of "What Ifs" and shattered dreams.

December 29, 2009

Injury Status Update:

Player                                 Injury                                  Game Status                   

Paul Bueti                           Virus infection                      Probable but undatable.

Dennis Petrelli                     Giant Toe                            Playoff Return Possible

Alison Trethart                    Slow Motion Syndrome       Probable: Practiced Slowly

Ryan Shymko                     Stone Hands                        Probable: Permanent Condition   

Chris Pullen                        E.D.                                    NO GAME AT ALL :)

 

December 29, 2009

The Pylons return to action following the Christmas break tonight, looking to continue their excellent start of the pre-season. Coming off an impressive 11-4 victory, the pylons are showing a balanced attack which has never been seen before in team history. GM Trethart commented, "We are getting production from everyone!!! With goals coming from every line, teams won't know who to cover. Plus with Paul and Kyle trying to compete to see who has the bigger ****...I mean who can score more points.....It should be an exciting season.". The only early season concern has been the play of defenceman R.B. Despite trying to avoid questions about this performance, GM Trethart made the following statement, "It is a situation that we are looking into. We have asked the Fake Spongee Squad to look into her personal life to see if perhaps she is involved in some betting syndicate. It is the only possible explanation as to why she is passing the puck to the other team and allowing them to score on us.".

December 15, 2009

PYLONS ROCKED BY BUETI INJURY

Today, the team released a press statement describing the status of Pylons' star Paul Bueti. The statement read:

The Pylons must unfortunately report that Paul Bueti will more than likely miss the entire pre-season due to doctor's instructions in order to minimize any potential risk to Paul's kidneys. Paul had been struck down with a viral infection but we wish to state that despite Paul's promiscuous lifestyle and the multiple internet rumors of booze, women and animals, we are 35% certain that this viral infection will not require Valtrex. We are pleased that Paul has stayed focused on his recovery and cut down his drinking to 6 nights a week. We anticipate that Paul will return to the lineup as soon as possible.

December 14, 2009

The Pylons return to action tomorrow following an eventful off-season of transactions. Peter Manastrysky has left the team to pursuit his dream of working in the ballet. The team wishes Peter all the best in his new career as a male stripper. The team has also lost snipper Leslee Dent who was selected #1 in last year's NHL entry draft. Leslee has already made an impact on the NHL, recording  zero goals and no points in 35 games this year. In order to be competitive this year, the team went out and recruited three new female players without even scouting them. Grace Sniezek, Kristy Muckosky and Kelly Larkin will be on the roster this year. These moves could potentially be huge for the Pylons but based on Trethart's previous acquistions as GM, the media, supporters and the team are not setting their expectations too high. The final newcomer to the Pylons this year will be Norm Mccreight. Norm missed the entire 2008-09 season when he was forced to undergo his world-record 67th and 68th knee operations to replace pretty much every muscle and tendon in each leg. Trethart who also serves as team doctor commented on Mccreight's status, "No matter if the operations were a total success, the team has invested in Snoopy and Dora the Explorer band-aids so we are completely confident that even if there is a set-back, we can simply slap on a band-aid and he'll be good to go.".





 


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