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ULTIMATE PYLONS
NEWS 2009
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Winnipeg
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Canada


Member of the L.M.S.A. SPONGE HOCKEY




 

December 6, 2008

The Ultimate Pylons were rocked today with the announcement of the possible season ending injury to Mel Lagiewka. Initial reports indicate the possibility of a partially torn meniscus suffered while operating a fax machine. Team administrator Alison Trethart stated that she is "hoping for the best and hopes to see Mel back in the new year if all things go well". Last year's leading scorer, Kyle Lagiewka looked at the situation in a different way and declared, "At least she won't be on my line for a while".

December 9, 2008

The Ultimate Pylons took to the ice for their first set of pre-season encounters and it became quite obvious that the off-season had taken its toll on the pylons. Despite their best efforts, the pylons were no match for their opposition, The Snarfs, who dominated the first game with little trouble. Last minute replacement goalie Paul Bueti was a single bright spot for the pylons despite being shelled throughout the contest. Bueti stated "I know in the past I've blocked dozens of shots in a game, but tonight even this Messiah couldn't stop them all". When pushed further about the team's performance in the opening game of the pre-season schedule and whether it would be an indication of the upcoming season, Bueti shouted, " We talkin' bout pre-season, not the regular season, not the regular season....we talkin' bout pre-season! In the second game of the evening, the Pylons lost a close battle to the Johns and Hos. Newcomer, Lisa Dunham proved she was ready for this level of competition and produced another solid performance for the pylons. Despite suffering two opening night losses, morale in the pylons dressing room was high and the team looked forward to getting in the win column on Thursday night. 

December 11, 2008

The Ultimate Pylons split the evening series tonight, winning the first game before dropping the night's finale. Goalie Andrew Kalupar made his season debut tonight, making several key saves in both games, keeping the pylons within striking distance. Stay-at-home defensemen Sheldon Dent praised Kalupar for his performance, "It was nice to have a consistent goalie in there tonight. He looked pretty good between the pipes, but then again, compared to tuesday's replacements....even a shooter-tutor would have looked good." Player of the Game honours were shared by Leslee Dent and Alison Trethart who endured two straight games of continuous game action due to the absence of the pylons' other female players. 

Game Notes: Randy Morrisette picked up his first ever spongee point by assisting on Bueti's early goal in game 1.

December 13, 2008

Pylons Big Guns Go Silent

It wasn't only the weather that was bitter cold tonight as the ultimate pylons dropped both games in what can only be described as a poor performance. The pylons were outplayed in every aspect of the game. An unnamed player stated after the game, "It was like watching 5 year olds playing soccer.....everyone just followed the puck. We had no positional sense and pretty much were clueless out there". The pylons will need to pick up there play if they hope to get back on track on Tuesday.

December 16, 2008

Last night Winnipeg experienced an amazing goaltending performance not seen in the city since the days of Pokey and the Bandit. Thrown into action, Dennis Petrelli produced save after save in a losing effort. Although not confirmed, rumor has it that during the game the crowd was overheard to be chanting "Andrew Who?" Kyle Lagiewka continued to dish out the assists, bringing his total to 9 this year. When ask to comment on his abundance of assists and lack of goals, Lagiewka said, "Just call me Adam Oates.".

Game Notes: Robyn Buechler made her season debut last night. Robyn returns to the pylons after taking a year off to travel Australia serving as a hand model for the George Constanza Hand Modelling Agency.

December 17, 2008

BREAKING NEWS

Pylon rookie defensewoman to be the next TV Bachelorette. Lisa Dunham has been selected to star in Shaw Cable's version of the Bachelorette. Dunham commented on the upcoming project, "It will be different than what you've seen before. The dates won't be as fancy as in past years. You might see coffee at the local Timmies or maybe something romantic like a winter walk down the banks of the red river. Casting isn't quite complete so all you studs out there on the spongee rink this is your chance to pass me your number and get on the Dunham train before it leaves the station!!!".

December 31, 2008

Andy Trethart selected player of the pre-season

Today, the pylons announced that Andy Trethart has been selected the pylons' player of the pre-season. Despite not leading the team in any category, Andy receives the honour, slighty edging out Kyle Lagiewka. Rumor has it that the award was given as a poor attempt at a cheap christmas gift which has upset Lagiewka. Kyle stated, I have carried this team on my back for 3 years now......I really don't know what I need to do to get the respect I deserve. This rejection leaves the same bad taste in my mouth as does my wife's cooking!"

January 1, 2009

DENT FIRED!!!!!

The new year brings fresh home to the pylons as Team Manager Alison Trethart pulled the plug and removed Tania Dent from her role as Team Motivator. Trethart stated, "One win just wasn't good enough for the organization or for our fans. We had great expectations going into this season and we hope to turn the page in the new year.". Although removed from her motivational duties, Dent will remain with the organization in a new role as Director of the Complaint Department. The Pylons will be looking for a new coach in the coming days and rumors on the web have implied that the pylons are looking towards a coach with a proven history of success with former Detroit Lions Head coach Rod Marinelli heading the list.

January 2, 2009

Pylons turn to Trethart for Success?

Despite already having two Tretharts on the roster, the pylons today announced the signing of Travis Trethart. Alison stated, "We needed to know that going into the regular season we'd have the ability to put a goalie with pads into the net for every game. By signing Travis, we now have two goalies who can at least stand in front of the net with pads on and not fear having their testicles crush by a frozen sponge puck!".

January 5, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons wish to express our condolence to LMSA Referee Barry Black on the tragic but expected death of his Minnesota Vikings in the NFL Playoffs. In lieu of flowers, Barry requests all donations be sent to the Vikings in order to acquire a good quarterback or glue for the running backs hands.!!!!

January 6, 2009

Tonight, the pylons started the regular season with two huge wins. In the first game of the night, the pylons played with a hunger not seen the entire year. Led by solid goaltending, the pylons shut down the opposition and earned a 3-1 victory. The team picked up their second victory by default but pylons "playa", Chris Pullen quickly pointed out, " A win is a win and this year wins have been as difficult to find as a girl who is a freak in the bed but you can take home to mom. No matter how ugly they may be...you just take them and keep going.". The pylons return to the ice on thursday hoping to keep their streak going.

Game Notes: Pylons forward Leslee Dent remains goalless despite leading the league both in weak shots on net and fanned shots. Dent's last goal occurred around the time when dinosaurs went extinct!

January 8, 2009

Pylons Remain Perfect

The Ultimate Pylons added two more big wins to remain perfect in the regular season on Thursday. Pylons forward Ryan Shymko, snapped a 13 game pointless streak by registering an assistant on Randy Morrisette's first career spongee goal late in game 2. Shymko played his best two games of the season despite nearly being knock unconscious early in the opening game of the night. Pylons' utility player Paul Bueti was pumped at Shymko's performance, "Ryan should get rocked before every game if it lights a fires under his ass like that".  Team manager Alison Trethart was also very excited following the victories. "Our team is coming together, tonight we got huge perfromances from Shymko, Kalupar and Morrisette. Randy was a man possessed out there and I'm so happy he was rewarded with the game winning goal! and also player of the week honours".  The pylons return to the ice on Tuesday, hoping to continue their miracle run.

January 9, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons are pleased to announce the signing of a sponsorship agreement with Lower Patio Sports Cards Ltd. The deal will see The Pylons become the first team to officially have licensed trading cards produced by Lower Patio. Team Manager Alison Trethart stated her excitement over the agreement during the team's conference call. "The Pylons are thrilled to be involved in this partnership. This deal allows us to provide our fans with a chance to have some cheap but high quality memorabilia of their favorite team and superstars." Lower Patio expects the first set of cards to be available within the next 10-14 days.

January 12, 2009

Press Release

Today the Ulitmate Pylons released a press release addressing the implementation of the single assist rule to league scoring. "The Ultimate Pylons wish to express their displeasure with such a concept. We strongly disagree with the rule and believe that technical web design issues should have no impact on how scoring is determined. Hockey has been played for years and has included two assists for as long as we can remember. Additionally, we believe that since it is our own responsibility to accurately and fairly track our own points, such a decision hurts team morale and the type of player that rarely gets a point (particularly females who often only have the first touch in a play). The Pylons will continue to track two assists and will report them on our site even if we need to create our own table outside of the stats reporting page".

January 13, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons dropped both games tonight on a bitterly cold night in Winnipeg. The Pylons seemed disorganized and lacked any heart out on the ice. A visibly upset player who wished to speak in private stated, "It's extremely hard to get ready for a game when you don't even know if you have enough players to play the game. Management needs to get their act together and bring some sort of organization to our team. We have the chance to have a successful season, we just need help from the front office.".  In addition to the poor performance, there seemed to be an atmosphere of frustration with the league within the pylons dressing room. "If we are going to play in -40 degree weather, at least let us play full periods. It looks really bad when you have all 6 teams waiting out on the rinks to play their second game and not a single official is outside. If it is too cold for a full game, then it is too cold for a partial game.".The pylons return to the ice on Thursday hoping to return to the win column.

January 15, 2009

The pylons gained a split of the two games on Thursday night. The team worked hard in both games and probably were unlucky not to have gained a better result in the second game of the evening. In the first game, the game changing moment occurred with less than a minute remaining when pylons defenseman Peter Manastyrsky gained the attention of teammates allowing them to call a timeout. This quick thinking allowed the pylons to organize themselves and hang on for the win. When asked about his quick thinking, Manastyrsky replied, "I spent years watching my old man coach various teams and I guess something must have rubbed off on me". The Pylons will be hoping to add to their five regular season wins in their next outting. Congratulations to Larry Eloy who was selected as the player of the week for the pylons. Through four games this week, Larry returned to his normal self, forgetting about gaining goals and assists but instead collecting penalty minutes. We've missed ya OLD BOY!!!!

January 20, 2009

The pylons dropped back to back games to the Dare Devils last night in what turned out to be a very frustrating evening for the entire team. Team manager Alison Trethart stated, " I guess it turns out that we just couldn't get anything going tonight. Maybe our players were thinking about the new US president instead of the games because we seemed to O-BOMBED it out there tonight. With the all-star voting coming to a close on Saturday, expect a better team performance on Thursday".

Game Notes: Despite claiming to be Bobby Orr re-incarnated, Peter Manastyrsky remains goalless this year.......well at least against the opposition.

January 26, 2009

Takeover Bid Denied

Today, in a conference call with the media, Pylons management denied rumours that a takeover bid had been received by the club. Trethart stated, "At this point I cannot confirm that any bid has been received.". Speculation has been high that a group from Kuwait had made a mega offer believed to be worth around 100 million dollars for the successful Pylons team. Pylons star Kyle Lagiewka greeted the rumour with a smile, "I guess the possibility of having owners with deep pockets isn't the worse thing for a player who is playing out their option year.". Reaction across the league was mixed with some questioning whether foreign investment into the league was good for the game while others praised teams for producing a product that generated interest. Pylons management hoped that the rumours would not distract the team and stated that they would update the media on any future developments.

January 27, 2009

Pylons Do The Double

On Tuesday, the Pylons put together two strong defensive efforts on route to valuable wins. Pylons forward, Paul Bueti, was a standout, adding two goals to the team's cause. Bueti said, "The extra rest from last week's cancelled game did wonders from my groin. The time off along with all the "special" massages from the wonderful girls at Madame Chow's Boom Boom Room had my groin primed for a good performance.". Goalie Andrew Kalupar had his best two game series of the year and was brillant in the shootout. Kalupar said, "I have to thank my defence, they were better than normal tonight. Like I've been saying all my pylons career, if I can see it, I can stop it.".

Game Notes: Mel Lagiewka was the only shooter to successfully score during the shootout in game #2.

January 28, 2009

Press Release: Autographs

Today, The Ultimate Pylons released a statement with regard to the official team policy on autographs. "It has come to the attention of management that players in the league have been charging young autograph seekers up to $25 per autograph. Although there have been no reports that any Pylons' player has been involved in these events, the Pylons wish to express our disagreement with such practices. Pylons have a contract to play spongee and represent our organization. Therefore, the team believes autographs are part of being a Pylon and accordingly autographs should be considered part of your duties as a member of the team. Any players found to be in violation of the team's policy will be subjected to fines, suspensions and potential termination of your contract. Fans want autographs and without fans there would be no spongee!".

January 29, 2009

Pylons' Players Make All-Star Squad

The Pylons are pleased to announce that three players will represent the team in the upcoming all-star game on January 31, 2009. Kyle Lagiewka will be joined by Andy Trethart as male representatives while Mel Lagiewka will be the female all-star. Good Luck to all three in the big game. Additionally, several Pylons' players will take part in various events. Dennis Petrelli will take part in the target shooting contest while Larry Eloy will bring his big cannon to the hardest shot competition. Kyle Lagiewka will bring his magic hands to the stick handling event and Paul Bueti will hope to sprint to victory in the speed contest. The Pylons have also entered a 5 man team into a relay event. Team members include Andy Trethart, Sheldon Dent and Chris Pullen who will join Kyle and Paul.

January 30, 2009

The Pylons made it four wins in a row with impressive victories led by strong defensive play.  "It was a solid performances from back to front", said Pylons' defenceman Sheldon Dent. The Pylons got goals from all three lines including a pair from Pylons' sniper Dennis Petrelli. Petelli exclaimed, "The puck felt good coming off my stick. I was in a groove. I was like a fat Brett Hull out there tonight.". The wins improved the Pylons' record to 9-5 and propelled the team into first place. Team manager Alison Trethart stated, "We are happy that the team has turned around this season and personally I am relieved that my decision to fire Dent has paid off". The Pylons return to league play on Tuesday following the All-Star break. 

January 31, 2009

Manastyrsky Selected Player of the Week

The Pylons are pleased to announce that Peter Manastyrsky has been selected the team's Player of the Week. Last week the team went 4-0 primarily due to a rock solid defensive effort with Manastyrsky playing an important role..............MISSING ALL FOUR GAMES!!!!! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK PETER!!!!

February 1, 2009

All-Star Weekend Shut Down By Weather

Due to strong winds and and poor ice conditions, activites scheduled for All-star weekend were postponed. League President Matt Sigfusson issued a statement, "Usually, I am the man with a plan but I must admit mother nature caught me with my pants down.". Pylons' players express their disappointment. "Playing in the game was a second thought to me, I just wanted a chance to take a run at Barry Black!" stated a masked Pylons' player.

February 3, 2009

BREAKING NEWS

Exclusive Interview With Referee-In-Chief Barry Black

The Pylons have obtained exclusive right to an interview with Barry Black where he documents the drinking, gambling and match fixing occurring at LMSA.

Clip 1 - Drinking Problem

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qx3XSuQap8

Clip 2 - Match Fixing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KX-qds3qjA

Check out the video section for the complete Barry Black Interview

BREAKING NEWS

Pylons' Trading Cards Officially Released

Today, The Ultimate Pylons in cooperation with Lower Patio Sports Cards Ltd. are proud to announce the official launch of the complete set of Pylons' trading cards. Team manager Alison Trethart stated, "We are so excited to finally have the complete set available for our fans. All indications point to these collectibles being an even greater hit compared to when some burger place once released some ice hockey ones!".

February 4, 2009

Pylons Fire Blanks

Last night the Pylons had their four game win streak snapped after dropping both games. In what happens to be a Pylons' first, the team was shutout in both games. The team lacked the killer instinct in front of goal and tended to try and over play the situation when a simple shot on net might have worked better. The team looked tired and hopefully the 10 day break will allow some jump to return to the player's legs.

February 13, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons earned a split of their games tonight. The win was especially significant as it ensured that the Pylons will at least finish the regular season at .500. The night was marked by an excellent performance by Chris Pullen in net. Sporting pads from the 1980s, Pullen brought a goaltending technique not seen since the days of Reggie Lemelin. The Pylons fought hard all night and produced an excellent comeback to gain the victory in game two despite battling both the opposition and the poor refereeing of Barry Black.

Games Notes: Kyle Lagiewka and Andy Trethart both were in excellent form netting a total of 7 goals together. Alison Trethart added 2 assists as well as delivering the best body check in Spongee History.

February 14, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons would like to express Birthday Wishes and all the best to Melanie Lagiewka but refuse to acknowledge the rumors of the birth of the Messiah Paul Bueti twenty-one years ago today!!!!

February 15, 2009

The Pylons ended the regular season on a low losing three of their last four games and ending the season with a 10-10-0 record. Kyle Lagiewka led the team in both goals and assists while Larry Eloy again led the team in penalty minutes. This year, the team had only three players who went scoreless throughout the regualr season, Peter Manastyrsky, Lisa Dunham and Daniel Biggs. When asked about her failure to score, Dunham replied, "As several spongee players would attest, I DO ALL MY SCORING OFF THE ICE!!!".  An attempt to gain a response from Peter Manastyrsky was tried but failed as his whereabouts were again unknown. The Pylons hope to change history and manage a successful playoff run.

February 24, 2009

After a long break, the Pylons started their playoff campaign in winning fashion, hanging on for a tough 2-1 victory in their opening match. The team played strong defensively and were rewarded when Kyle Lagiewka finally managed to open his playoff account with two vital goals. Lagiewka was pumped following the game and stated, "I'm overjoyed to break this goose egg! Excluding being shutout in the scoring department by my wife, this drought has been the worse of my life.". The Pylons hope to win the series on Saturday at 4:00 p.m.

February 25, 2009

Ultimate Pylons Press Release

Today, The Ultimate Pylons in conjunction with Child Find Manitoba have issued a milk carton with Peter Manastyrsky's image on the reverse side. During the conference call, Pylons Director of Complaints Tania Dent issued a statement. "At first we started receiving complaints from fans asking for the whereabouts of Peter and we didn't know how to respond other than saying the team was looking into his absence but when we heard from other sources that Peter was missing we had to take action. Hopefully this milk carton will bring Peter back home to Breanne and Evan." The Pylons ask for help in locating Peter Manastyrsky Jr. and thanks to a donation from Bobby Orr will offer a 5 cent reward for successful leads.

February 26, 2009

The Ultimate Pylons are please to announce that Orest Konowalchuk as been selected as the 2009 Pylons' Hall of Fame Inductee. Please check out our HOF section with details on Orest.

February 28, 2009

Today, The Pylons dropped two close games, ending their playoff run in disappointing fashion. The team played well but just couldn't overcome their opponents. After an up-and-down year, the pylons look forward to the off-season and the free agent market.





 


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