Oct 1/20
1:40 am




Maple Ridge


MARCH 2 – EPISODE #8: Riding Through Cambodia on a One-Eyed Camel

Due to recent complaints to the FCC, the on-air status of “As The Sheep Roam” is in jeopardy. In particular, these complaints have suggested that the show is too extreme in depicting real-life events, especially in its current primetime slot. What these complainants don’t realize is that, while most events are based on real-life scenarios, this is a soap opera; it is the writer’s interpretation of events. How the viewer/reader chooses to interpret these events is, at the end of the day, up to him/her. The fact that some viewers/readers may be put off by the events that are depicted suggests that there is some truth in the scenarios presented. It is not the fault of the writer(s) that the “truth can hurt.” If these viewers are so angered by the contents of the show and the website in particular, I suggest that they DON’T READ IT!!! In fact, these readers should go visit, where they will find the content more to their liking.

While the show has been on-air for less than a year, some of the characters have been around for years. During this time these likeable trouble-makers have caused all kinds of sh!t throughout the community, much to the delight (and chagrin) of viewers and readers alike. Recently however, some characters have been in a process of transition, and not necessarily for the better. Some critics argue that these particular characters are “dying a slow death.”

In response to the heated complaints, I have only one question: How insecure are some readers if it only takes a guy with a computer (who everyone knows is an asshole and has been one since the beginning of time) to a cause a rift in friendships/relationships? I mean this is a website made by guy who fights with prickle bushes! If anything, you should tell the writer to fcuk off and pay no mind to what is written. In fact, if nobody read about this stuff, then the site would become irrelevant. I for one feel that these recent complaints about the content of the show have only served to contribute to the “drama” that has made this soap opera such a ratings hit, particularly among the key 19-30 year old demographic. The only person who has a right to lose the plot over all this is the Thorpedo, given that he gets pissed on more than a toilet seat at the Witch.

MARCH 6 – EPISODE #9: Anatomy of a 9-Point Turn

Disclaimer: While the following events depict situations relating to females, in no way do the events having anything, I repeat nothing at all, to do with the girlfriends of the following characters D.S. or S.J. If you are in anyway offended by the contents of the previous episodes or do not like programs that are critical of the manipulative and conniving ways of women, I suggest that you stop reading at this point.

As our heroes learned this weekend out in Delta, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Just as a mechanic is not necessarily the right guy to fix your stove, a hung-over sweeper is not necessarily the right guy to be relying on for your goal production. And similarly, just because a guy makes scoring 4 goals look easy doesn’t necessarily mean he understands that it’s probably not a good idea to try and nutmeg a guy when you’re last man back. In fact, the only the person to show any sort of sign that he can play out of position was the centre-midfielder with the yellow socks :) The point being that, for the most part, soccer is a simple game – you try and kick a ball into a very large net and try to stop the other team from doing the same – but it is a game that is made all the more complicated when you have people who are placed in situations where they do not have a clue what their doing.

So what does the Mighty Rams impressive 5-3 victory over lowly Delta Metro United have to with women you ask? Well relationships are lot like soccer. You put in all this effort and time trying to experience the joys of scoring (And I don’t necessarily mean getting laid) only to see your elation called back because you were judged to be off-side or for a phantom hand-ball when your hand was nowhere near where it was said to have been. There are also many obstacles on your trek towards the back of the “old onion bag,” these include: the other team (i.e. all other guys who’d love to get a piece), your own team (i.e. your “friends” who’d love to get a piece), the physical environment/field (i.e. her friends), the inclement weather (i.e. her), your 200 dollar cleats that you got a “deal” on at First Touch Soccer and that you just had to have because they make you a better player (i.e. your own insecurities), and the big brick-sh!t house of a keeper guarding the net (i.e. her ex-boyfriend/ex-husband/ex-girlfriend). And when you finally overcome all of these obstacles and do score, you start to think, “Hey this is a piece of cake,” only to find yourself going through another seemingly never-ending goal-drought.

So what is the lesson in all this? Well it’s simple: sometimes you need to hit the post, or miss a sitter, in order to get a better understanding of what you need to do the next time your in front of goal. It also gives you an appreciation of missed opportunities. And if you’re ever in a situation where you don’t know what you’re doing and want to just pack it in, don’t get discouraged because if the Thorpedo can score then everyone has a chance for success!!

Hey Fans! Be sure to check out next week’s special Sweeps episode in which Likke Lamb puts his famed “English Shocker” submission technique to the ultimate test when he steps into the Octagon with special guest-star Quinton “Rampage” Jackson. Also, be sure to check out the under card featuring Kyle “Fruity Shots” Chatt against a New Mexican Cactus.

MARCH 9 – EPISODE #10: Back to the Future

Lately we have been getting a lot of mail regarding characters that were key parts of the soap opera in years past, but, for whatever reason, have gone their separate ways. So in an effort to answer some of the lingering questions we present the following: whatever happened to…

Kris Murdoch

Original Ram, Witch bartender/manager, and the original man-whore. Kris can best be described as an amped up version of Mike “The Mouth.” Another of many lower-division players with delusions of grandeur, Kris strongly believed he should be playing Premier. After many intimate encounters with the various hired help at the Witch, Kris was eventually canned from his management position. Co-stars remember Kris as a good guy to party with but also a moody bitch.

Update: Recent reports have Kris plying his trade in Alberta. No word on how many cowgirls he has impregnated, but numbers will undoubtedly be on the downturn given that his Mrs. has decided to join him in the prairies.

Arturro “That’s My Beer, Essay!” Estrada

Another original Ram, the loveable Mexican possessed ball skills that most guys would be envious of. Life had thrown Arturro many obstacles – a poor grasp of the English language, an ever-growing beer gut, and a wife the size of a 747 – yet he always managed to have a smile on his face.

Update: Sources have confirmed that Arturro has joined the ranks of taxi drivers in the area. The fact that a dark-skinned immigrant with low-level English and questionable hygiene has turned to driving a cab represents a shocking turn of events.


This ex-(cough!) Vancouver Whitecaps player was a mainstay at Sunday morning soccer friendlies at Hammond as well as at the Witch afterwards. While his over 40’s colleagues have continued to be regulars at said pub, Junior is nowhere to be found these days. This could be a result of the cold weather of course.

Update: A recently intercepted communiqué between MI-5 and the Canadian government has revealed that Junior has been in detention at London’s Gatwick Airport for the past 4 months due to supposed links with Islamic militants. While Junior was set to be released after his first week in captivity, he grew weary of his surroundings and attempted to escape by deploying his “grab him by the pubes” technique on one of the guards. This escape attempt proved futile. Junior has applied for extradition to Canada to face punishment.


The Rams No. 2 Keeper came in like a house on fire at the 7-on-7 and was seriously challenging for the team’s No. 1 jersey. However, after long nites of boozing after games and questionable and heinous acts with numerous Rams players, Shonkey was unable to concentrate on soccer and fell off the face of the Earth.

Update: There are recent conflicting reports on the whereabouts of Shonkey. One report has Shonkey going underground in an effort to avoid the Canadian government’s recent crackdown on illegal aliens. A second report has Shonkey succumbing to gonorrhea after taking it up the ass from a diseased horse at the Laity farm. Yet another report has Shonkey joining Spanish 1st division side Vaiadollid in effort to help their chase for promotion. Which of these reports is accurate is anyone’s guess.

The T. Patrick/ Karen / Cooker Love Triangle

There have been a few love triangles in the history of this drama, but none more popular than this one. Having grown weary of T. Patrick’s inability to “get it up,” Karen turned to a younger and supposedly more virile man to satisfy her needs. Eventually T. Patrick got wind of this liaison and was about to get “his people” on it but thankfully tensions died down and everyone went their separate ways.

Update: T. Patrick has recently been spotted spending his weekends prancing around various soccer fields in the Fraser Valley and spending his evenings frequenting various hotspots in the West End. Karen has been spotted “hanging on by a thin thread” by putting her Cougar-skills into good use at various bars throughout the Lower Mainland. The Cooker is set to star in the much-anticipated sequel to “Twelve Monkeys” in which he plays a schizophrenic sociopath who travels back in time to find his torn knee ligaments.

The Chairman of the Board

The Chairman was never a stickler for finances and always signed what needed to be signed to ensure the well-being of the Rams. He was, however, caught off-guard (along with others) about the demands of Div. 2 soccer and poor player personnel decisions and finance/resource management almost resulted in relegation for the team.

Update: The Chairman has found greener pastures in his native Scotland. While he looks back on his time with the club fondly, he also curses the Canadian small-town way of life. There are hints that the Chairman will be returning to the Ridge for a brief sabbatical; the players would definitely look forward to such a reunion.

The Migrating (Blue)Bird

Checking calendar. Three weeks left in season. Double-checking calendar for accuracy. Ah well… there’s still time I guess…

Paul Anderson

We hardly knew ya…

The Cocky Manc

Once upon a time there was a cocky opinionated Manc. This guy was arrogant and would tell you where to go if he didn’t like what you were saying/preaching. Now all this guy does is sit there with a dopey smile on his face and say “Ah Shucks, guys.”

Anthony Thorpe

Anthony’s name has been penciled into the Rams roster for the past 4 years, yet there are conflicting stories as to whether he has actually contributed to the team’s success. These discrepancies are illustrated by the following conversation I had with Taj:

Me: Does this guy Anthony still play with us.
Taj: Yeah, he’s right there, screaming for the ball.

Me: Where?
Taj: Right there, making the run.

Me: I don’t see him.
Taj: Brent just passed him the ball and it went off his shin and into the parking lot.

Me: He has an almost invisible presence.
Taj: Possibly.

Me: What did you just say?
Taj: I didn’t say nothing.

Me: I heard you call keeper, when I explicitly told you that only I call keeper!
Taj: I didn’t say sh!t!

Me: You’re a fcuking liar!
Taj: Fcuk you!

Me: Fcuk off!
Taj: I’ll fcuking kill you!
Ref: Calm it down boys or I’ll have to give you both cards.

Me: Hey!
Taj: What!?
Me: Whatever happened to that guy Thorpedo…

Shorat Testyclay's first interview with Rams News

r.n. well shorat how did it feel getting to play in the phoenix last game of the season

s.t. its nice ... i like

r.n. tell me how you scored your goal

s.t. i was a running fast a speedy and i kick de ball hard very hard with a my left foot and it go in de net pasta de keeps

r.n. is the game any different over here

s.t. no itsa de same even the players are de same

r.n. how so

s.t. back home we have Gary the rapist he do a de sweeps and one arm dave he do a de strike's

r.n. is there any one else on the team who reminds you of back home

s.t. only Kyle the prickle bush wrestler but he no looka da same this one is nice i like him me and him make a sexy time

r.n. how does he look different

s.t. can i see your willy

r.n. no ... how does Kyle look different

s.t. can i touch it

r.n. tell me how does it feel playing for the phoenix instead of the rams

s.t. its like de rams little sister you know the 14yr old everybody wants to stick a finger in but not tell your friends

r.n. thank you for your time shorat and good look for the rest of the season

s.t. can i see it now

r.n. no now fcuk off

s.t. you wanna see my nut ....i show you.... look its here... why you running ....come back

Lickel Lambs intervew with the Rams News

r.n. Well lamb the end of the season is almost upon us .... which signing this year has given you most satisfaction

l.l. oh thats easy Shorat is one ive been chasing for some time so to see it come together was nice

r.n. i thought chris lea for the phoenix would have been top of the list

l.l. no no no no lea's a no go its a no go not happening son

r.n. what went wrong there

l.l. Lamb was pissed and lea was pissed but hey lamb bombs will do that to you

r.n. we met your new girlfreind the other day .... hows that going for you

l.l. atta boy the sex is great but there's no point going down on her its a waste of time

r.n. why's that

l.l. you know how its is when you eat a chinky an hour later your hungry again

r.n. atta boy Lamb so why are you going back to the U.K. is it to avoid paying taxes

l.l. hey lamb never pays for taxis i get lifts off my mates

r.n. no i meant ..... never mind ..... whats the story behind the dreaded sleeping bag

l.l. hey its still not been washed when she opens it up its so dried up sticky i told her it was velcro and she believed me SOLD im having some she loves it

r.n. thats gross why dont you wash it

l.l. no son you never wash off winning muck and ive won this one SOLD ... LETS GO

r.n. you get worse well good luck back in the U.K. and hurry back


r.n. hi kyle this has taken me by supprise a little i had no idea

k.c. my name is not kyle when i wear my robes im known as ZOOLANDER

r.n. ok how long have you been a worlock

z.l. this is not a gimick its what i was born to be it took 7 long years as a winnut before i could even take the exam

r.n. you took an exam

z.l. yeah did you not see harry potter

r.n. ok so whats a winnut

z.l. its a kind of rookie worlock ... some one who winnut go away until he has passed the exam

r.n. ok how have your powers helped you in soccer

z.l. they allow me to turn a goal scoring chance into a fcuking shambles when i get the green light

r.n. are there any down sides to having powers

z.l. yes you can hear the bushes talk

r.n. and what do they say

z.l. they tell me to do crazy things ... bad things

r.n. can you hear them now

z.l. yes

r.n. what are they saying

z.l. the same as they always say... you wanka... i can have you ... come on zooie take yer best shot.... you hit like a girl

r.n. this is very disturbing dont your freinds think its a little strange

z.l. no its ok my mates just think im weird anyway so fighting with bushes is no big deal

r.n. well thank you for your time

z.l. ssssshhhhhhh if you very very quiet you can hear them too


As another season draws to a close, it’s time to hand out some year-end report cards.

Note: These report cards are based on objective criteria. So, for example, if Jose is a weak player but has an above average season that does not mean Jose will get an A. It only means that instead of getting a C-, he will get a C.

Note: These evaluations are no B.S. assessments so if you’re easily offended then I suggest that you do not proceed in reading them.


Clinical Clint: A-
• Clint added much needed jump to the team when he signed on in mid-season. 6 goals in 3 games instantly put him in the top 3 in scoring.

Travis Parker: B
• Travis scored many important goals for the Rams but also missed many sitters.

Chris Pike: C+
• Chris brought valuable leadership to the club but it became increasingly apparent that his skills are on the decline.

Thorpedo: C
• Aside from his physical play Tony has shown slow development as a striker at the Div. 2 level. Much improvement needed.

Paul Anderson: F
• No comment.


AJ Sullivan: A
• The team’s most consistent player all year, AJ has developed into a force in the midfield. Team MVP.

Jason Cihelka: A-
• Jason is the team’s most underrated player and has an uncanny ability to adapt to different positions on the pitch.

Gary Thompson: B
• Gary was steady as usual and his defensive skills are underrated. However, he did not have the impact offensively that he has had in years past.

Brent Halstead: C+
• Perhaps the best all-round centre midfielder that has ever played for the team, yet Brent’s commitment to the team is questionable.

Tyler Anderson: C+

Dominico Calabrese: C
• A captain should lead by example and Dom’s sporadic attendance and inconsistent play were not acceptable.

Ben Richmond: C
• Having been one of the Rams best players last season (and scoring clutch goals in the relegation battle), Ben took many steps back this year. Fitness is a concern.

Sean Joslin: C
• Questions abound as to whether the wonderkid peaked in his first season with the club. Lately, Sean has looked lazy on the pitch and his fitness is perhaps the worst on the team.

Chan Ho Park Sun Ji Hi: C-
• Not ready for the men’s game, Chan would benefit playing U-21 for a couple seasons.

Shannon Smith: C-
• Needs to find form from 3 years ago or will continue to struggle at this level.

Dave Scott: D
• Like a wart that won’t go away.


Andrew Laity: B+
• Div. 1 caliber player who has evolved into a top-notch wing-back. Grade would be better if attendance was more consistent.

Kyle Chatt: B
• Steady and the backbone of the D. Potential to be so much better though, particularly on the ball.

Taj Chattha: B
• Questionable defensive skills made up for by ability to go forward and generate offence.

Clayton McClure: B-
• Clay did not have the same impact and star-making performance as last year. Still steady though.

Chris Lea: Incomplete


Marcus: A-
• Veteran presence and steady play gave team confidence to go forward without worry. 1 goal against in 3 games. Does not face as much leather as Rams other goalie though :)

Raju Chhina: C+
• Average season. No difference-making performances as in seasons past.


Stuart Thompson: A-
• Leads a team that finished 1 point out of relegation last season to a 3rd place finish this season.
• Rams record (cup included) in 3 seasons with Stu in charge: 28 wins, 15 losses, 12 draws (That’s only 15 losses in 55 games). Rams record (cup included) in 1 season with Stu not in charge: 4 wins, 12 losses, 3 draws.


Each month thousands of letters come across my desk from fans of the show. I thought that it might be interesting to share a few.

Hans: How did the team come to be known as the Rams? And how come there are no Germans on the team?

GW: Good question Hans! There is a common misconception that the team name originates from the fact that the majority of the players have a tendency to follow their (British) Shepherds in whatever direction they are pulled. The feeling is that these players do not think for themselves but merely follow the herd, for them to not follow the herd would mean to be ostracized and “called out” on a regular basis. Some argue that if you were to put a paper bag over their heads (and hear them baaaaaaaaaaaa!) you would not be able to tell which sheep is which given their remarkable likeness to one another.

The name Rams, in fact, comes from the Thorpedo’s love for his Dad’s hometown team the Derby Rams. As for why there is no Germans on the team, I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.

Mohammed: I live in Philadelphia and have witnessed countless abuses against African-American men. I was also present during the L.A. Riots after the Rodney King verdict was handed down and saw what the police did to my black brothers. It seems to me that some clowns on this show play the “race card” way too often and in doing so take away from legitimate claims of racism.

GW: OK, I’ll be the first to admit that the “race card” comes out of the deck faster than the Joker. But there’s only so much of Whitey a person can take. And when Whitey is a little piece of sh!t who thinks that a patch of dirt on his chin constitutes a goat-tee and who makes the mistake of separating a brown man from his booze, then the trailer-trash cracker honkey mofo needs to be taken down.

Tell you what Mohammed if it makes you feel better you can put a jihad on Zoolander.

Beatrice: I thought that recycling was only for pop cans and paper products. It seems to me that a lot of the women on the show get recycled from guy to guy.

GW: We have received lots of letters relating to this subject of “recycling.” In fact, it is not uncommon for the average 5 foot 3 inch, blonde-haired, blue-eyed foreign soccer groupie to go through at least a half dozen guys on the same team. Some people would call this the ultimate form of sharing, I call it a recipe for resentment.

If you have some time Beatrice, here's a fun game: I’m sure you’ve heard of six degrees of Kevin Bacon, well we have our own game, it’s called six degrees of **** ****. If you play it properly, you can see how all the women on the show some how cross paths (or is that panties?) with **** ****.

JR: I’m excited about the next season of “As the Sheep the Roam,” but it seems that this Thorpedo character doesn’t have the balls to make any cuts. Are you worried about having a 45 man roster next year? And also are you worried about the fact that you guys have only 3 wins in 19 games in Div. 2 with the Thorpedo in charge?

GW: First of all, this team will survive regardless of whose is or isn’t on it. Secondly, the idea that a team can be successful with a “player-coach” is an absolute fantasy. It doesn’t work. You’re either a player or you’re a coach. It’s going to be a long season next year, but that’s part of the fun I guess. So to answer your question, am I worried…I’m only worried that this may actually be the season that I kill the Thorpedo!

Billy Bob: Recently your antics in the pub and on this website have pissed a lot of people off. It seems that your list of enemies continues to grow. What do you say to the next guy who wants a piece of you?

GW: Get in line.

APRIL 13 – EPISODE #11: The More Things Change, The More They Stay the Same

It goes without saying that decent ratings for this show can be attributed to the gong-show personal lives of the main characters. At the same time, the one thing that connects and has brought together all the characters is the soccer team and their love of soccer. In this week’s episode it was the politics of the soccer team, or the soccer club to be more specific, that took centre stage.

The Golden Ears Soccer Club is a dinosaur. And being a dinosaur it is impervious to change. The most mind-boggling thing about the club is that with only one team having a winning record this past year – like I even have to say which one – you would think that change (i.e. blowing it up and starting over) would be a given. But when Glen “T-Rex” Ramsey and Troll #3 from the Lord of the Rings trilogy are running things, mediocrity is the only way to go.

I know what viewers are thinking, denying the Bluebird the chance to run a Div. 1 team is, in the end, a good thing for the Mighty Rams. But it’s really not. One thing that 30-something flat-footed “I’m not Canadian, I’m English” people who started playing the game late in life will never realize is that players, particularly those who are in their “prime,” want to play at the highest level possible. It is in nobody’s best interests for them to be denied that opportunity. And who wants to play with a bunch of guys who are on the team only because there is no where else (appealing) to go. Or who wants to play with a bunch of guys who are going to drag out the drama by claiming that they are “going to play in Poco” or with the Wolves or Div. 3 or with the Starbucks International All-stars, all so they can feel important about themselves.

At the end of the day, one can’t help but feel bad for the Bluebird. As much as he can be an arrogant limey whose loyalties are thinner than Chris Pike’s hairline, the guy deserves to coach at the highest level. The irony is that he was the victim of a clique - the Golden Ears “old boys club” – while cliques have pretty much defined the existence of the Rams, and been a thorn in the side of the Thorpedo. On the up side, this means more time for him to push his quaker oats cereal to the masses.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that another summer of drama is on the horizon. Sides will be chosen, friendships will be tested, and battles will be won and lost. Long-time viewers shouldn’t be surprised by this; and I’m sure nobody, including the players, would want it any other way. Oh and hopefully there will be some soccer, sex, and beer (not necessarily in that order) mixed into this soap of an opera.

MAY 14: There’s only one thing better than running into hot twin circus midgets at a strip club. That would be a new episode of the Rams soap opera…

EPISODE #12: Brokeback Mountain 2: When Tony Met Corey

In the Blue Corner:

Thirty year-old clean shaven Caucasian male with impeccable hygiene and a propensity for avoiding situations which require him to get his “knuckles dirty.” This guy spends more time on making sure each strand of hair is spiked perfectly than he does on working on his first touch or heading abilities. Also claims to have hooked up with numerous hot “chicks” but nobody he knows has actually met or seen such “chicks,” so questions abound as to whether these “women” actually exist. Stocking his soccer team with a group of young pretty boys also raises eyebrows as to his late-night tendencies. It doesn’t help that his vehicle of choice is a Mitsubishi Spider soft-top convertible. Recent rumors also suggest that the Thorpedo may in fact be French-Canadian, and we all know that the French are not just known for being “bi”-lingual. And let’s forget that with a nickname like the Thorpedo you probably don’t want to run the risk of bending over when he’s around.

In the Red Corner:

Twenty-something clean shaven Caucasian male with million dollar bank account. Rather than spend his $$$ starting up his own Girls Gone Wild empire, this guy would rather spend his time drinking with the ‘fellas at one of his pissholes. Recent reports also suggest that many evenings have been spent munting various soccer types in the community. One also has to wonder how team with so few drinkers can secure sponsorship on a regular basis from his pub. Unless of course it’s a different kind of “sponsorship” he’s looking for (i.e. the kind that doesn’t involve sucking on a beer bottle).

Reports are circulating that this union will go public when Corey hosts Tony’s 31st birthday party at the Office. Questions abound as to whether this relationship will be able to survive being under a 24-hour microscope. Also, what does this mean for the Thorpedo’s regular movie dates with another ginger-minged soccer buddy? I guess only time will tell.

Be sure to check out next week’s thrilling episode in which the Rams hold a team meeting to vote on whether to change their name to the Golden Ears Ass Pirates, at which time several members of the squad decide to leave for Poco due to promises of a never-ending supply of dildos and KY Jelly.


A recent email from a fan to the Ghostwriter stated that “the show is losing its cut-throat edge and take no prisoners attitude.” Well in an effort to get back to its venomous roots, here’s TEN THINGS THAT NOBODY WILL SAY, UNTIL NOW:

10. Travis can only score against weaker defences.

9. The Witch is a dive.

8. Chris Pike is getting long-in-the-tooth.

7. Kyle is out of position as a sweeper.

6. Mike McInnis is a Premier League Player (Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Haahahahahaha!!!!! Ahaahhahahhahaa!!! That’s freakin hilarious!)

5. Alex is turning into Tony Jr. Evidence of this includes his unending self-praise for his “amazing play” and his belief that every woman wants a piece of him.

4. The team will not have any difficulties replacing its over-rated keeper next season.

3. Sean is on the team because of who he is as opposed to what he does on the pitch.

2. Most of the players on the team need the Rams more than the Rams need them.

1. The Phoenix was more enjoyable to play for because, unlike the Rams, it was not about ONE GUY.

MAY 24 - Today’s Top 10 List, courtesy of the Late Show with David Letterman: Top 10 players who love to talk about how great they are. Or top 10 players who are their own number #1 fan. Or top 10 players who commonly say “I don’t like to blow my own horn, but...” Anyways, you get the point. Here’s the list:

10. Brad Cook

One of the few players on the list who can actually back up his mouth with his play. But part of being great is staying healthy and averaging six games a season just doesn’t cut it.

9. Dominico Calabrese

The old man has definitely lost a step over the years, but not if you ask him. Still (can be) effective (at times), but not the same impact player as in the past.

8. Steve Restin

Greatest striker to ever play for the Rams, at least in his book. Scored about 4 goals in Division 3 and missed about 6 times as many sitters.

7. The 2006-2007 Rams

Yes, this team did finish in 3rd place, but this is a case of the standings being misleading. First off, the division was very weak. Second, many of the wins came against teams playing with less than 11 men. Also, the team dropped points against some very mediocre teams (White Rock, SFC Stars). In other words, anyone who thinks that this team could have challenged in Div. 1 is smoking crack.

6. Chris Pike

Still thinks he’s the same player he was in his 20’s.

5. Taj Chattha

Typical brown guy arrogance. Before he talks about how great a player he is, he should do some research on the concept of “getting stuck in.” I suggest Google-ing it.

4. Alex Andrews

If you’re a boxer whose been TKO’d in his last two fights you probably don’t want to go on and on about your skills in the ring until you prove you can hang around with the big boys for the whole 12 rounds.

3. Kris Murdoch

The only player in the history of the game to get an assist from the sidelines. The Rams scored 42 goals in their first season, yet somehow he was in on 46 of them.

2. “The Mouth”

After his summer departure from the team, the Rams were always going to struggle to survive in Div. 2 (according to him). Due to his “unbelievable” play, the Poco Wanderers managed to have a great season and finished atop the Rams in the standings. Oh wait, no they didn’t!

1. Tony Thorpe

Typical conversation with Tony:

Caller: So what do you think about the Canucks chances this year?

Tony: Canucks are shite.

Caller: Where are you watchin’ Game Five against Anaheim?

Tony: I thought I had a great game. I made a run and Ben passed me the ball and I received and turned all in one motion! My first touch was unbelievable! Then I skinned this guy and got a shot toward goal but it got deflected on the way! Some of guys from the premier team were there watching and they told me after the game that I was one of the best players on the team! I’m only getting better and my confidence is going up and next year is going to be my breakout year!

At this point it is appropriate to flashback to a conversation that I had with Tony in the summer after the Rams first season:

Me: So are you working tomorrow?

Tony: I’m playing phenomenonal! My first touch is improving and my confidence is going up and next year is going to be my breakout year!

And continuing with our flashbacks, here’s a conversation from 2 years ago:

Me: You goin’ for a pint at the Witch with the boys?

Tony: I think I’m one of the top 3 players on the team. My confidence is only going up and next year is going to be my breakout year!

GW Commentary: Here's the thing about players who are great, the world does not need to be reminded about their greatness every waking hour; the simple fact of the matter is, you just watch them play and you know. In other words, players who are truly great, good, or whatever don't need to run their mouths, it just goes without saying.

MAY 25 – And for a bit of a more positive list: Top 10 guys who have defined, and become an important part of, the Rams over the years (and not necessarily for what they do on the pitch).

10. Chris Pike

Despite the fact that the GW and Pike don’t always see eye-to-eye, the guy is a warrior on the pitch. The type of guy you are happy to have on your team b/c you don’t want to play against him.

9. Manjit Chattha

The old man brought a veteran presence, a calming influence, and a large wallet to the team. Pretty skillful for a geezer as well.

8. Kyle Chatt

Despite only 1 season with the team, Kyle has solidified the D. and brought a “balls-to-the-wall” “leave it all on the pitch” attitude to the team. Drinking capacities are also on the rise.

7. Jovo Bikic

As Jimmy calls him, “Bambi on ice” is not necessarily the most talented and graceful guy out there, but he is definitely one of the guys with the most heart.

6. Gary Thompson

Does the majority of his talking on the pitch (does the rest of his talking when he’s had one too many shots of tequila at the local pisshole). A rarity for a guy on the Rams: he scores goals and doesn’t have the need to let the whole world know about it.

5. Jason Cihelka

“Mr. No Attitude” is the most mature out of the young lads on the team. All he does is show up for games, play his minutes, make an impact, and never complain if he’s riding the bench.

4. Dom Calabrese

Though the pitbull in the middle has now become the bulldog in the middle, he is still an important part of the team (and if you don’t believe me then think back to how the Rams midfield got man-handled by Aldergrove in the second game and ACBC in the cup game when he was not there).

3. Sean Joslin

The logical successor to the Rams throne when Thorpedo realizes he is shite and decides to pack it in. (The only one who) showed a genuine regret in leaving for Poco, which speaks to his character. Introduction to beer has slowed his on-field progress.

2. Stuart Thompson

Very rare to find a coach who has valuable training sessions, gets respect from his players, has an above-average win-loss record, and is happy having a drink with the players after the game.

1. Tony Thorpe

Despite a “McInnis-like” yearning for the spotlight, the guy lives and breathes soccer. More specifically, he lives and breathes the Rams. Love him or hate him, you have to respect his commitment to his team and his friends.

JUNE 1 – EPISODE #13: The White Boy Collective

Not long ago the sheep that roamed the fields of this soap opera could have made up there own branch of the United Nations. There were Mexicans, a Peruvian, a Columbian, (East) Indians and a Serbian. But how things have changed. Now if you want to wear the Rams colours there is one quality that is valued above all else…can you guess what it is? If you guessed a precision-passing ability, or a capacity to win balls in the air, or an ability to fill the back of the old onion bag then you would have guessed incorrectly. The quality that is valued above all is else is Whiteness, and it helps even more if you're from the U.K. Just look at the cast of characters for the summer season and you will see what I mean. This team really should be known as the Golden Ears Crackers.

Some viewers have said that it is a mere coincidence that the team happens to be made up of all White guys. But a recent incident involving squad selection makes me think differently. First off, it goes without saying that summer soccer is very popular; it is not uncommon to find that there are more players looking for teams than there are teams looking for players. The Rams brass found themselves in exactly this particular situation: too many players wanting to play and all the rosters spots already filled to capacity. Or so they would have you believe. The recent addition to the squad of a much-maligned skinhead midfielder and the decision not to offer a spot to a starting defender who was integral to the team's success during the winter season (despite the fact that he can be an A-hole at times), and who happens to be Brown, has to raised some eyebrows among viewers. It hasn't raised any eyebrows within the team, which is not surprising given the Eurocentric tendencies of the Rams brain-trust.

So left without a team, the Brown defender has to go to Surrey to find playing time. If you ask me, this is not necessarily a bad thing. At least now he doesn’t have to deal with all the BS that comes with being a visible minority playing on a squad full of ignorant teammates who hide their racism under the banner of being “friends.” There is no doubt, however, that had Brown Guy’s skin been a little lighter or a little more European, the Thorpedo and the rest of his cronies would have found a place for him.

(GW signing off with Nazi salute in honour of new-look Rams).

July 19 Episode #14: the Summer of Change

As the viewers all know this team can never be happy playing with or for the Fat ass lazy git the Thorpedo. So as another Summer league comes to a close, His Winter Rams yet again are in diseray. the Thorpedo to his credit let his Summer team be run more or less by His new Headcoach "Lamb" Andy Solk with an amazing record and the moral high. what could go wrong really? and the Loveable Welshmen managing it was a tag team of power that Hulk Hogan and the Macho Man would be scared of. So what went wrong??? was it to many cheese burgers for the Thorpedo? was it the ugly new Summer Uni's? or was it simply a matter of the Guys just wanting to move on? with Eleven players from the Rams winter team not coming back for another winter season you wonder what really went wrong? Did Stu really have that big of an impact on the boy's it seems so. Maybe if the General had stayed this team would havewon the League. But if guys don't show up to practise then no wonder Stu left. The Thorpedo two month's ago couldn't wait to set his Mighty Rams lose on the FVSL Div2. Last seasons highest scoring team, this year will have more of a pop gun offense.


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