August 20/2012
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

Well the bridesmaid's dress was yellow again this year in the NSMBA playoffs.  The Howe Sound Cannons disposed of the Lynn Valley Pirates in similar fashion as in the 2011 finals, sweeping them 2-1 and 7-3 in the best of 3 finals to take home the plasticware trophy for the 5th time in 6 years.

The lead up to the series had all the makings of a classic rivalry...if you're a Pirate.  In the Dayrod midseason tournament in July, the Pirates fabricated controversy.  In the semifinals of that tournament, with that game in hand, their ace pitcher (and starting pitcher for the finals) Matt good guy Gildersleeve was ejected questioning a call.  As the rule states in the NSMBA, an ejected player is handed a mandatory one game suspension to be served in that teams following game.  For some reason the Pirates failed to understand that, even though due to past experience with the rule, they probably knew better than anyone.

The Pirate team, otherwise known as the "Mensa of the NSMBA," pleaded with the league official and their opposition in the tournament finals, the Cannons.  Howe Sound, who are not running a charity, said no to the request to allow Gildersleeve to play.  This caused an uproar and a yellow storm of screaming, ignorance and threats.  Unfortunately for the Pirates, Cannons management's pet peeve is people who make a mistake and are unable to blame themselves and instead try to blame someone else.  The finals of that tournament saw the Cannons win a close game 4-2 and take home another $800 cheque.

So the league playoff finals this past Saturday saw the incumbent Cannons take on the Pirates, led by team dad and loudmouth Norm I got a grudge Duplissey and manager Rich give me your lunch money Fowlstone.  Partly due to preoccupation with the aforementioned tournament and partly due to facing a superior team on that day, the Pirates were swept in the series and the Cannons went on to scratch their names on the trophy with a screwdriver once again.

                                                                                                                  Get some new fucking pants Lips





July 16/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

The thunder and lightning pounded down from the heavens
 

As the Cannons split their 2 game series with the Reds, Jerry Nephron Galley hit 2 towering blasts meeting his season quota in the 282 club. Big Toooooor Puuuurvis reached up to the heavens with all his little warriors and one hand swatted a sky high shot sending it into the urination bush and entering himself into the 282 club for the first time!! I've never seen him run so fast around the bases even though he should have been trotting... Off we all went to the team pool party where it was an Auntie city floating around the pool when we got there. Myself and the manager had to collect ourselves before we entered this very hostile scene of little fabric and much skin. Partying happened into the wee hours of the morning where many types of DNA could be found the next morning from the extra-curricular activities that occurred. Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can, spins a web, any size, catches aunties just like flies Look Out! Here comes the Spidermanager. Also chief red-dong and the prairie grass fire were back in action!! Until playoffs where more debaucheries will occur this is Uncle Hammer out... Roll thru to the Great Bear Pub and have a pint on me yo...

                                                                                                             Management: So close yet oh so far away.




July 9/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

The whining and cheating Cannons dominate the gracious and gentlemanly Pirates
Once again for the 5th year straight the Cannons "Fluke Out" and win the Dayrod Mid-Season classic with ease.  Five years in a row fluking out, did Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill create our team??  The Cannons however were "a bunch of pussies" and "sore winners" for following the rules.  When Gildersleeeeeve got tossed the previous game for being an extremely intelligent young man he misses the next game.  Like hello this rule is like 2+2 what wasn't to understand..umm..oh yeah forget that thought "les tetes de viand"!  It was a hot one that weekend so the H2O and Anavar were running rampant on the field!!  We almost had to walk the plank arghhh!!  Some Pirate was babysitting a toddler named Shaner who came and frolicked around the field blabbering gibberish with his soothie in his maut he sure is a fast little sucker I wonder who had to change the diaper..eww..  Big Daddy Kraz proved once again he is the biggest boy in the league hitting 2 towering shots and Big Brent also took a couple of big shots himself from cleats and 90MPH baseballs.  So as manager Jones stated: "FUUU#K this belligerence, when can I gear down??? Where's JJ??"  The Day-Rod Mid-Season Classic trophy will once again collect dust and smokes atop of my TV for another year..Seeya at the pool party this weekend mofo'S, It's auntie time!! 

 

 

 

June 24/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

Cannons blast the Brewcrew!

The artillery of the Cannons was too much for Scotty Thitch's Brew Crew this past Saturday. The weather held up and we got the games in and kept the non sober train chugging along. Big Daddy AKA Tony Silk blasted a homerun shot to left to get the juices flowing early. Also T-Roy "Big Scrilly" Billy smashed a 2-run shot although I'm not sure if anyone noticed as they were pre-occupied staring at other things..The manager kept up his newly found vintage ways with a couple of nice muscle pumping line drives. As usual Nephron Jerry Galley and Alexy Wish7nicki kept up their winning ways on the mound keeping the Brewers out of the 282 club. Apres the games a lack lustre homerun derby was held with only Scotty "too hottie" Thitchener muscling 1 lazy fly our of Laroy Watt homer-dome. And as for the rest it's pretty standard..jump in a van and head on down to CLUB 55 where the aunties are large and the pepperoni is fresh! Strangely the Van and our prized team pilot disapeared that night it must have caught Sunday-Uncle syndrome..Chat to ya next time..I'm pooched..




May 30/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

Manager Jones gets robbed again!!     

With his second moon shot of the season and after his fair ball being called foul in Squamish, Manager Jones hit a near-bomb again in last nights game. If you break it down to physics:

P = (1/2).m.v2 + gd = g(1- d) =PE = his ball fell just short of the mark, landing him a walking double.

Both shots would have landed him grand slams but a higher power will just not give into the divine manager. His time will come oh yes his time will come (when no one is looking). Also..Nephron served up a SMACK! Now that's gonna leave a mark! Cannons won the game against a wounded Moose team looking pretty sickly. Also judging by the "BREW CREWS" record of late Mr. Scotty Thitch best be pulling them socks or knee brace up considering they have a roster of 22 :) Until Sunday..





May 28/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

A successful home opener!!     

The Cannons had their 12th inaugural home opener at Laroy Watt field this weekend. Even though the lowly Moose had a lack lustre team on the field they still battled with what they had. The Cannons took a win in both games with T-Roy Billy goats gruff and Nephron Jerry Galley once again confirming their spot in Club 282. Manager Divine Davis Jones came close to re-joining if it wasn't for the blurry-eyed umpire. I guess the baselines weren't applied straight enough or the foul poles weren't high enough to show off this beauty blast? Big Daddy Kraz was nowhere to be seen but was quoted "When swing bat this year it feel like it bending-I've never felt that before!!" Oooool Lips rolled thru and didn't miss a beat and kept up his 6-pack pregame ritual and playing solid. A record crowd was recorded on the weekend with almost 30 people there featuring the one and only famous DERON to cheer on the Cannons. After a post game Uncle BBQ we paraded to club 55 where it was a sloppy sausagefest until some certain beauties rolled in and made a few people spend some time alone in the upstairs bathroom. Almost forgot to mention how sweet the manager must be with a special #7 cupcake made just for him by a fan.  Divine Cupcake Jones!!! More updates on the rest of the NSMBA to come this week..Hammer out..




May 21/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

Valiant effort but no repeat for Cannons..     

The Cannons chances of repeating were looking as dismal as Vancouver weather Saturday afternoon as they dropped their first game vs. the Richmond A's. The only positive was Big Daddy Kraaaz's 2 run homerun at bat sending hair splinters flying! The mood was lightened however when T-Roy billy represented them in the homerun derby placing second only to a part-time Cannon Scotty Webzoo. That night the team deliberated over some beverages and medicinal products their game plan for the next day. Miskin showed the team his exercises and moves that night in the hotel to get him ready for the next days BIG game. The coaching staff made sure to document on camera to ensure future performance. The next morning game time was 9am so all my nephews were wide-eyed and ready to get 'er goin! The Cannons took game 2 in a pitching duel which was an excellent game to scorekeep. The afternoon game proved that Mr. T-Roy Billy is back on the attack hittin a 3-run jack! Manager Jones made a superman like catch, holding back his smile as best he could and shook it off like it ain't no thaaang. Twatney Hughson was also a stud this weekend with a really hot stick! This upcoming weekend we have the long awaited home opener at Laroy Watt field. Nephew Galley knows the wind will be blowing towards right field it could be 282 time. It will be a fun-filled time filled with jj's, k-bobs, Big Rigg's and parades to Club 55..Until next time..

 

 

May 17/2012

with the Hammer
Larry Walker preview from the bench


"Into da valley"    

The Cannons will push a grey van into Riiiiidge Meadows this weekend to defend their title at the Larry Walker Invitational. Coming stocked with as many ex-college players we can bribe, a healthy Troy Billy and a bottle of morning after pills after questionable relations that start at Roosters Redneck Cabaret. The Cannons are setting their sights on a re-peat. As other teams are wiser to us now it will be a challenge so they will just have to have a hack eh Wish7y. Results to follow on Monday as I will have full in depth coverage of Kraz's new nickname of the year and number of "gear-downs" from a certain manager.


***UPDATE***
Weekend Managerial gear-downs: 2

May 14/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

A sunny week two in the stud-filled NSMBA     

The week started off with the Moooose facing off against the Brew Crew in a re-match of the prior Saturday's game. The brew crew were fairly dominant hitting the crap out of a certain #25. Fern couldn't contain his excitement as he turned to the Cannons watching from the stands and quoted "oooh Squamish Nation!" Prior to Saturday Javid Dones received a strange text from a North dakota number stating that Dale Ballance would be joining us; I'm sure ol Wishy still hears that ding off the scoreboard! It turned out to be Jackie-O who rolled right thru to lower his baseball standards for a weekend. I also received a strange text from a certain manager questioning which body part needs hair removal before which event?? Saturday started off with the Brew Crew downing the Reds in convincing fashion. We did notice the presence of a certain ex-Blue Jay on the Thursday game so we will see how often that happens, hopefully the Mackie kids are there to retrieve balls...The Cannons and Davey Day's A's went into extra innings both games in their double header which was actually some good baseball. Everyone was fired up for these games as there were whispers of managers gearing down in vans and whale hunting the following weekend in Ridge meadows with the "Fedora" as our coach. I myself score-kept the first game along side my nephews Wishy and Jackie. All went silent as a certain lefty started and Wishy exclaimed, "I love you from that stretch 7 oooh I really love you from that stretch!" I finally got my start in game 2 and realized...I'm super good at score-keeping! Game one was won 11-5 and game 2 was tight with Jackie-O going all 9 innings, allowing just 2 runs. This lead the Cannons to a 3-2 victory thanks to the late inning heroics of BIG T-O-R PUUUUUrvis smashing in the game winning RBI. Following this game we jumped on the palm-beer train and headed down to watch the Moose take on the Pi-Rates. Once again a certain #25 was on the mound looking his usual shaky self as The Pi-rates were all supplemented up and were victorious. That's all until next week when I re-cap the Cannons quest to re-peat at the Larry Walker Invitational. We're comin' for you Dicky Kimber!!





May 2/2012
A view from the bench
with the Hammer

Opening weekend and a succesful fundraiser

As all the hung-over heroes of the NSMBA dragged their asses out of bed for opening weekend it went off without a hitch and good weather surprise surprise. The morning started off with the mighty Brew-Crew taking on the good 'ol Moose. I got there to catch the last half of the game, by the way Scotty "Big Stud" Thitchener was right riled up I thought they had won the game. Little did I know they were upset in the end falling 11-10 to the Moose with some last inning heroics. Up next were the Cannons vs. the Pi-rates, who the umpires warned before the season had even started, now that's laying the law down! It'ss a Wiiiish punched out 10 Pi-Rate batters and Mautty Mautt Taylor exploded on the stick to help the Cannons to a triumphant 3-2 victory. As I had to go do my team mom duties and set up the fundraiser, I missed the second game but from what I hear the Cannons were up through 5 until "Big Daddy" Kraz came in for relief of Willy Kerr and it resulted in a Pi-rate victory..hmm..The return of T-roy Billy was also noted as some new people in the league were whispering (look at that stance..wow). Later in the evening Davey "Fedora" Day and the A's batted down the Reds to a victory. The grey party bus then proceeded to Mosquito Crick for a night of memories that no one remembers!! It went well and dukkets were made so manager Jones can pay our collection debts. The next games will be Thursday as the Brew Crew battle the Moose once again for REDEMPTION and Saturday The Cannons battle the A's in a double header followed by the Moose vs. The Pi-Rates..Until next week Hammer out..





April 27/2012
A preview from the bench
with the Hammer

Cannons kick off their 11th season!!
    
Man have the years gone by, now entering our 11th season we have come along way from our days of bush-league bandits. The return for T-Roy Billy this year is a much needed addition now that he has recovered from his 'wrist' injury suffered at the hands of Josh 'slikkster' Parra. When asked about the upcoming season Manager Jones responded with "I never chew my corn and just shoot it like a machine gun into the toilet before game time". As you can see he has high hopes for the season to come. Nephron 'Jerry Jacks' is on the DL to start the season with a so-called jack-hammer injury (that's what she said). With that being said a groan comes from a certain grey van as a valued team member is gonna need plenty of "medication" to get him through the season. My bouy Smitty!! Kraz is well..he's Kraz you know how that goes and is that Ol Lips rollin thru? Well that is yet to be determined. Tor once again has the sickest gear and will be the best dressed Cannon as always and Big Will Kerr will be conned into this somehow when the going get's tough. Mackie has a 4th child on the way keeping on par with one per season (actually not but ya never know with that jack-rabbit) Return of the mullet!! Should be a promising season (since when hasn't it) and tune in to see how it unfolds..Uncle Hammer Jamir Magonigle Stacks is out until next week on The view from the oooool' bench..




2012
2012

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August 29/2011
Internet Prowess

Cannons veterans Jeery Galley, Alex Wishn7ki and still player/manager David Jones joined the Vernon Diamondbacks at the Western Canada Baseball Championships this past weekend in Trail.  With the help of the Cannons, the Diamondbacks managed to defeat the Marysburg Royals of Saskatchewan 7-4 in their final game of the tournament, ending the Royals chance at the playoffs and giving the Diamondbacks just their 2nd win of the season (Marysburg pop. 842, no joke).  Galley ended up with the complete game win (2 ER, 7 K) and Jones cleaned the bases with a clutch 2 out bases loaded drive in the bottom of the 6th for the come from behind victory.

Thankfully for the Dbacks, Jones' 2011 season was successful enough for him to crack the squad-a certain manager had miraculously improved his baseball skills overnight by way of a password to this website and a calculator prior to travelling to Trail.



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