|Howe Sound Cannons
Squamish's own 8-man baseball team
Best of the worst, since 2007
To view text of 'Ballcharts interviews' just click on your favorite Cannon on the left:
Balco 'Salo' Morphy
Pony League Lawrence
Double or Double Nic Lindsay
Double or Nothing Cole Mckenzie
Vintage Kelvin Mackie
Bradius Smithers Atanarjuat
oooooooooooooool Lips eh
6 Team NSMBA!
5 teams gearing up to try and beat the Cannons this year! With the addition of the North Shore Bulls and the Whistler Warriors the NSMBA now has 6 TEAMS!!! Manager Wishy has been scrambling with all the pitching matchups and shifts and sabermetric stats. This year is going to be the new managers toughest test. The hot seat is warming up as old manager has been rumoured to be interested in the job again!
Side note: The Cannons and the Warriors will now play for the Sea-to-Sky Cup. Trophy donations/ideas are welcome as right now our only option for the Sea-to-Sky trophy is the Van
2015 Cannons: 3 way champions of NSMBA
Win Midseason, Pennant and Playoffs. Team Van almost always involved
EX-Manager and Jackie-O split playoff MVP. With all due respect to Jeremy Galley (11 IP, 0.00 ERA, 2 W, 1sv) and Dogg (.500 BA, 6 stitches), playoff MVP has been awarded to old Manager Davey Jones (.429 .643 SLG,6 RBI) who had the game winning hit in the clincher, sailing a 2-run double deep to CF. The award will be split with Jack Thompson (.625, 1.522 OPS, 5 SB, 2-0, 1.08 ERA). Interim Manager Wishy, who also sported a 0.00 ERA in the playoffs, on the win: 'It's been a dream of mine to win all 3 titles in one year, maybe this will get me some damn job security, upper management always breathing down my neck!'
No girls on the slippy slide? Booooring
Guys, Am I right?
This past Saturday saw the Howe Sound Cannons cruise to a 5-0 victory in the opening game against the North Vancouver Blue Jays. Or was it the Blue Jays who won 5-0? Hard to tell who was who really. Let's see here, 4 teams in the league and 2 of them wear blue...
The league will be attempting to find funds for pinnies for the next Blue Jay/Cannons matchup.
Game 2 saw the Blue Jays (sporting their new jersey colour "Cannons Blue") jump out to a 2 run lead. Despite an enthusiastic crowd and a multitude of crowd pleasing home run swings, the Cannons couldn't muster any offence.
The fans and team were obviously inspired by a 6th inning appearance by the famed Portland Beavers bearded slopitch team. Four responsible swings and 4 consecutive doubles (including a 281 foot moonshot by Braeden S.) later the Cannons took the lead and held it until the end.
Meanwhile, one team member had this to say about the post game fan activities:
"While it was fun holding hands with my teammates and sliding down the slip and slide, we didn't bring a 9 dollar tarp, 2 rusty nails, and $3.99 worth of dish soap to the field for nothing!"
CANNONS SHAKE OFF RUST WITH 9 RUN FIRST
The Cannons found themselves without their usual opening day starter, as he is suddenly the Whitecaps FC's biggest fan. Interim manager Wishy handed the ball to Jackie-O and said 'get us through 3 IP before we turn the ball over to our new closer'. Jack did so, setting a Cannons opening day record for least amount of strikeouts in an outing (0). The Cannons offense put up 3 Field Goals in the 1st inning and never looked back, tacking on another field goal late for a 12-0 win over last years regular season champs.
Shawn Hetherington, wearing number 14!, fanned 4 in his cannons debut but did not qualify for the save.
Justin Lawrence and Kurtis Malm both had hits in their regular season debuts.
Mautty Taylor on 1 hr sleep, collected his first hit on his first swing of the year.
2014 Upper Management:
Owner: David Jones
President of Baseball Operations: Jeremy Galley
Field Manager: Wishy
Head of Recruiting: Jacky Boy Thompson
Team Nurse: Big Daddy Kraz
It feels weird to play baseball on Xmas day...oh your telling me it was christmas on saturday when we gift wrapped a first W to the Blue A's or whatever the f*** they are called. Santa Galley and Rudolph Mautty sure looked to be in the giving mood in game 2. Giving away free bases via Error. Real Strong game from the left side of the infield. ahhhhhhhhhhh on to the next boys onto the next.
Yo Bros, Manager Wishy here. I just want to make everyone aware what it takes to be a winning ballclub. You all think its about hitting the long ball like Troy...oh look at troy he can hit the ball sooooooo far. So what. Manager is all about small ball. Sac Bunts boom!! I got 3 of those mofos. how many sac bunts you got Kraz? oh what you hit the long ball Kraz? dont do the little things eh. fucking kraz. how about HBP! how many of those bitches you got Troy? Answer is 0. Managers got 4!!! god damn magnet on this sexy body. Little things boys little things. Dont even get me started on the pitching staff...oh im Galley I strike people out, I throw so hard. blah blah blah. 2-0 to start the year over here galley, leading this team in Wins. ya big brut. Anyways boys in Summary, I aint mad atchaaaaaaa. but lets pick up your game. Follow your manager.
The Jerks cancel May Long Weekend tourney to avoid 3rd straight defeat at the hands of the Cannons. So what to do now on May long you ask? Well only time will tell. But I got a feeling a Chevy van might be involved and partied in.
Manager steps down
It's with great regret that the Cannons baseball club has to announce the resignation of their hall of fame manager, Manager Jones. After a shocking defeat at the hands of the Red-Moose in last year's NSMBA finals the manager was quoted as saying. "F*ck this shit, I'm out". The Cannons would like to thank The Manager for all his years of service to the club. Who will fill those size 6 managing spikes? Itttttttsssssss wishhhhhhh. That's who. The Cannons have hired on Wish as their interim manager for the year while Jones focuses on playing left field. Itttttttttts a dream come true for Wishy to take over such a highly touted franchise. Wish has promised not to neglect his team van driving skills throughout the year with his new role on the squad.
"What happened Daddy!?"
"We were beaten by the best son."
"But I thought the Reds were terr...
"We were beaten by the best son, that's all anyone needs to know."
All the pretty lights
In the Cannons first playoff game of 2013, scheduled starter Herbie Herbison showed up to the field and threw a ball. He then came back to the dugout and said, "alas, i believe there to be something amiss in my shoulder socket and I fear I am unable to commence my duties atop the mound this eve!"
After a pause and a moment of tension, a suddenly stern and focused Itss Wish7 stood up.
"Manager..." everyone in the dugout braced,
"I've been saving up all year for this..." another pause.
"Give me that fucking ball bro."
And the manager gave him that ball, and Wish7 proceeded to shove it to the Mighty A's, and in the 5th, after Tor O.B. (Original Bro) got a piece of a ball in the clutch and ignited the Cannons and the opposition had a moment and the Cannons scored their bunch, we could all see the victory in the lights. Until the 7th.
With two out and the Cannons cruising and up 6-1, the A's lead off batter hit a lazy pop fly to 2nd base, where Herbie himself stood firm. Herbie had watched many a lazy pop fly float effortlessly into his trusty glove. Only during this lazy pop fly, something else caught Herbie's eye. Was it a flickering light? A glimpse of his girlfriends smooth tanned legs? Or was it a flashback to glory days? Or perhaps a flash forward to the glory to come. We will never know the answer to those questions, but we do know the result of that lazy pop fly. His 3rd broken nose. He missed the ball and it landed square upon his nostrils. A floodgate on the bridge of his nose opened and a floodgate on the bridge to victory seemingly opened for the A's. But Herbison was taped up by the on-call nurse and continued on, mostly because the Cannons 9th player had already been substituted for an auto out. The A's scored 3 after this disaster. The Cannons wheels were dangerously close to falling off, but Wishy, with his battery drained like the van at 630am on a Sunday morning, finally induced a ground out to Herbison. Herbie looked at first base out of his partially opened eye and made the play for the out and victory.
The Cannons repetitive playoff dream continues on Saturday.
Playoffs start tonight
Cannons win the Pennant Cannons win the Pennant!
Cannons scored early and kept the Reds to 3 and won 6-3. Mautty Taylor was really the only offensive spark on the day, 3-5, double, 2 stolen bases. Herbie Herbison pitched a complete game with 8 strikeouts. The Cannons clinched 1st place in the regular season with the win.
When asked about clinching first, Justin Big Daddy Krazanowski said: "Well we can be happy with the win but we aren't happy about losing because losing games is when you don't win and when you don't win you lose because you didn't score more runs than the other team and lost."
In game 2:
After 3 scoreless outings, starting pitcher David the Manager Jones was finally touched up, and not in a way he likes. The Reds had 5 hits and scored 6 in 3 innings. Jones was yanked after 3 and forced to sit on the cooler. Danny Curls Munn, coming off a strong White Spot annual tournament, went in relief and impressed in just his second outing of the season. He didn't allow a hit or run in 4 innings, struck out 6 and also tied a team record for walks in a game, with 8.
When asked about how he felt on the mound, Munn, who recently (barely) graduated high school, said: "Thanks for the oppertunity lol haha." via text message
Offensively there wasn't much in the way of highlights. Just 4 hits. Defensively the Cannons committed some uncharacteristic errors (5).
As long as we get the poison out before playoffs it will be ok.
Playoffs start Tuesday and continue through Saturday. Winning is a must as the trophy had a mishap in the offseason and is in a bit of disrepair.
Recently featured in the Chief, the team van was thought to have been stolen early Sunday morning. It turns out it was stolen by a tow truck driver after being parked illegally outside the clubhouse in Willow village.
We was robbed!
Sorry no refunds
After 6 consecutive years of robbing the NSMBA of their midseason tournament money, some bastard finally robbed the Cannons back by way of a brokeded winder and 12 stolen team hats.
If you spot an unknown individual with a Cannons hat on, approach with extreme prejudice.
Rigg slams A's
This past weekend saw the Cannons take on the North Vancouver Athletic club at Laroy Watt stadium. As it can happen in the NSMBA, the games were a little lopsided, both 10-0 victories. They were not without highlights though.
Game 1 saw Big Rigg Smitt smack a bases loaded slowball over the left field wall. One witness said: "He hit that thing with his mitts so hard, I thought the Grizzzly had reopened!"
Cannons Management reportedly commented, "We know the Rigg has struggled with some vision problems this season so it was great to have him seeing straight and back on track."
Rigg is now tied for 8th in career homeruns on the Cannons...with 1.
Big Daddy Kraz's offseason mass building program has proven to be a success. He hit 3 mammoth homeruns on the day, putting him at 5 in 2013.
And finally, the manager and his newly acquired emery board took on the A's in game 2. The result was the Cannons first ever perfect game. Another witness said: "to have the manager be the one to throw a perfect game is incredible, if not a little odd. To have the A's be the opponent however, is not that odd."
Cannons now 2nd best mens rec team at recruiting
Richmond A's prove to be the best at coercing college dropouts to help win local tournaments and fill coffers with tournament winnings.
Regardless of who recruited who, the Cannons chances of winning this tournament were always slim. From a strong hometown squad to a men's Premier league team entering last minute, the chances were next to null from the beginning The following flow chart describes
how the Cannons loss at the Jerks/Bulls Invitational in Maple Ridge this past weekend was unavoidable.
Start in the upper left hand corner:
A view from the bench
with the Hammer
Iiiiiiiitss a Wishhh7 smokes a bomb!!!
To start off the season, the ejection of le grosse Robeeeert needing his bubbas due to some choice crying- clearly the ump was mean..or not. Its been a tardy start to the season with the Cannons having their first practice of spring training against the Pi-rates.
It seems the redmoose could be a contender this year if egos are left at north shore remax. Some north shore busses are hideous! Cannons team bus driver Wish7 is on the injured reserve list once again after 8 advils he was quoted as saying "I'm fuuuucked". Good chat. Next fundraiser will fund his hip replacement. The Cannons were off once again to Larry Walkers house to test their luck in the tournament of rednecks! Game 1 proved to be a test with the cannons just squeaking by 20-1. It was a nailbiter to say the least. The manager bones jones muscled an infield fly all the way outta the yard, must be the fraser valley air or cause he's a f_____g large boy! Big "loco" Daddy Kraz and T-Roy scrilly nuts also chipped in with bombs. There were many good pickups as the cannon ex-college player train corrupted a few more ex going to the show players. Jeff "the fridge" Hutton was quoted after hitting a moon shot "I'm just here for the free hotdogs"! This dudes so huge he hits it on top of the fridge where the mail is kept. Game 2... well anyways...moving on.
Game 3 brought us up against The Hammond Jerks (yes that's their name). Jerry "the cat" Galley pitched a doozy of a game. Manager Jones also tried headbutting a ball and I think he could see the black hole and when asked if he can still play he stated "ill just hit the one in the middle". In the semis big willy style roooolled us right into the finals with his gun rifling down the opponent. The Cannons moved onto the final vs the Richmond A's. Dave "Dayrod" Day used his knowledge and savvy to rally the troops but we came up short 3-2 in an excellent showdown of has-been skills. Well now that the season is in full swing you'll be hearing a lot from uncle hammer. Until next week I gotta bounce I'm busy!
New player ratings available
Grandma Walker's House
New look Maple Ridge tournament schedule released
2013 Jerks/Bulls Invitational:
Saturday May 18
11:30am Howe Sound vs. Aldergrove Cubs
2:00pm Howe Sound vs. Coquitlam Angels
5:00pm Manager's home run derby (from 2nd base)
Sunday May 19
11:30am Howe Sound vs. Hammond Jerks
Monday May 20
11:00am Tournament Semi Finals
2:00pm Tournament Finals
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride
Well the bridesmaid's dress was yellow again this year in the NSMBA playoffs. The Howe Sound Cannons disposed of the Lynn Valley Pirates in similar fashion as in the 2011 finals, sweeping them 2-1 and 7-3 in the best of 3 finals to take home the plasticware trophy for the 5th time in 6 years.
The lead up to the series had all the makings of a classic rivalry...if you're a Pirate. In the Dayrod midseason tournament in July, the Pirates fabricated controversy. In the semifinals of that tournament, with that game in hand, their ace pitcher (and starting pitcher for the finals) Matt good guy Gildersleeve was ejected questioning a call. As the rule states in the NSMBA, an ejected player is handed a mandatory one game suspension to be served in that teams following game. For some reason the Pirates failed to understand that, even though due to past experience with the rule, they probably knew better than anyone.
The Pirate team, otherwise known as the "Mensa of the NSMBA," pleaded with the league official and their opposition in the tournament finals, the Cannons. Howe Sound, who are not running a charity, said no to the request to allow Gildersleeve to play. This caused an uproar and a yellow storm of screaming, ignorance and threats. Unfortunately for the Pirates, Cannons management's pet peeve is people who make a mistake and are unable to blame themselves and instead try to blame someone else. The finals of that tournament saw the Cannons win a close game 4-2 and take home another $800 cheque.
So the league playoff finals this past Saturday saw the incumbent Cannons take on the Pirates, led by team dad and loudmouth Norm I got a grudge Duplissey and manager Rich give me your lunch money Fowlstone. Partly due to preoccupation with the aforementioned tournament and partly due to facing a superior team on that day, the Pirates were swept in the series and the Cannons went on to scratch their names on the trophy with a screwdriver once again.
Get some new fucking pants Lips