ICE FISHING
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No, stupid," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey rink!"
HOCKEY HEAVEN
So this hockey fan dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates to show him inside, where he is delighted to find that heaven is full of hockey rinks and never-ending pickup games to play. At the end of the tour, they walk by one rink with only one guy skating around, making some nifty moves.
"Who is that?" asks the hockey fan.
"Oh..." St. Peter sighs, "that's God, but he thinks he's Bobby Orr."
PROUD MOMS
Four women were
having coffee and bragging about their children. The first woman says, "My
son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him FATHER."
The next woman tries to top her, "Really? My son married the princess of a
small European country and when he walks into the room, people call him YOUR
HIGHNESS!" The third woman chirps, "Well, MY son is a cardinal of the
church. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him YOUR EMINENCE!" The
fourth woman is just sitting there sipping her coffee silently, and the other
three look at her in a subtle way, as if to say 'well...?' She smiles and says,
"Oh. Well. My son is a very handsome and large hockey player. Whenever he
walks into a room, women say OH MY GOD...!"
DATING A HOCKEY PLAYER
Top Five Signs a Girl Is Dating a Hockey Player 5. Eating the last brownie gets her body-checked into the refrigerator. 4. After going out, he makes her line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends. 3. He drives a zamboni. 2. For breakfast, he makes sure both he and his girlfriend have a spoon, and then he tosses an Eggo into the middle of the table. 1. He demands credit for an assist when she goes out with his best friend.
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?
Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Steve Yzerman all die and meet in heaven. God is sitting in his chair waiting for them. God says to the three legends, gentlemen before I let you in, you must tell me what you believe. "Mario we'll start with you, in what do you believe?" "I believe hockey is the greatest thing in the world and the best sport in history". To that God says "take the seat to my left". God then turns to Steve and says, "Steve, in what do you believe?" To which Steve replies "I believe to be the best, you've got to give every ounce you've got!" To that God says "take the seat to my right". God then turns to number 99 and says "Wayne, tell me what do you believe?" To which Wayne replies "I believe you are sitting in my seat."WORDS OF WISDOM
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him names. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call me an idiot, is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."
NEGOTIATIONS
A hockey player walks out of a sporting goods store carrying a brand new, top-of-the-line hockey stick, when his best friend, Keith, sees him. "Hey Jeff!" he asks, "whacha get the new stick for?" "I got it for my younger brother," the young man answers. " Oh!" Keith says, "Good trade!"
