Too Much Suck to Count

Hello dear readers,

The first installment of Spaceballs: The News is coming at you in 3D! Don't forget to wear your official Spaceballs: The 3D Glasses while you read or you'll miss out on all the cool special effects. They're like totally Schwartz Awakens awesome!

Well, the quest for a threepeat got off to a 2-0 start with two convincing wins buoyed by solid defense and timely hitting. Unfortunately, the Spaceballs should've stopped there, because it's been all downhill since then. It's mostly Rob's fault. The pitching has been terrible. The defense has been impeccable behind him....or something like that. Actually, and sadly, pitching has been about the only consistent since the start of the season. When the offense scores runs, the defense makes errors. When the defense makes stops, the offense sputters. Some key players are struggling to start the season. Players who were mashing it last year. Can they turn it around in time to put some key wins together and get some team confidence back? This journalist thinks so. I mean, it's not like this is the Atlanta Braves we're talking about here.

Now for some fun facts! The team statistician spent some time calculating career stats for all the players. Each news item will share some of those stats. Let's start with one of the founders of the Artful Dodgers/Spaceballs franchise, Heather "Still Evil" Beattie. In 264 games and 738 plate appearances for the team, she's hit for a 0.374 average (well over 0.400 in summer ball), scored 135 runs and driven in another 151 RBI! A free-swinging (double entendre alert!!) force at the plate, her walk to at-bat ratio is second lowest only to the Dark Monkey. They both like to think that makes them super cool! Some team stats you ask? Well, the franchise played in its 500th game this past Sunday morning! That's some impressive longevity. Their winning percentage over those games? We'll save that for later....

Singing off,

Philip J Asshole