We Be Spaceballin

Posted September 29, 2015


So, I've been on assignment in the field and somewhat delinquent in my slo-pitch reporting duties for the fall season. By somewhat, I mean completely. This means I've had to rely on my inside source for information on the team's activities over the last month. My gingery inside source prefers to remain anonymous to protect his pitching arm, so I won't reveal his name. I always protect my sources. Sources are like external genitalia; soft, vulnerable, and requiring loving caresses and protection.

The weather has been beautiful for fall ball, but the results on the field have been mixed. Not like delicious cocktail mixed either. More like colliding with Donaskroob in the outfield mixed: sure you get the pleasure of touching him, but it hurts like hell for weeks afterwards....and there's the transmission of herpes. So, fall ball has seen some highs, such as the 24-4 pounding they gave opponents in their season finale, and some lows, such as the 20-6 loss in the tournament playoffs. To their credit, the team has been dealing with multiple injuries and absences and has kept chugging along, having fun along the way, with the help of some super awesome subs!

The new additions to the fall team have been generally welcome except my source tells me that his Frenchiness retreats at the first sign of trouble at the plate, that Bobbi is a total diva, Jeff is a raging egomaniac loudmouth, and Tim is horrible at giving blowjobs. My source is pretty reliable, so.....

My source has also commented on Donaskroob's drug and alcohol problem. He says it's affecting his ability to play ball and get an erection in the dugout. "What else is the dugout for if not for hot bum sex between innings?" said my source as he sobbed on my shoulder. Oh, he also thinks Ben is a better catcher than pitcher....sexually! Sexual innuendo, totally out of the blue!

Next up are the playoffs where the Spaceballs go from suck to awesome blow (except Tim...see above)! Stay tuned, dear readers. Also, stats are in the table below. Can't get the website stats page working again. To summarize, Rob and JG lead in RBI and Donahue is tied for the HR lead....the fuck?

Gunner's Mate First Class, Phillip Asshole

Player AB PA H R K BB 1B 2B 3B HR RBI SAC G Slug OB% AVG  OPS FC
Ben Vickery 20 23 15 13   3 12 3     9   7 0.900 0.783 0.750 1.683 1
Ryan McDougall 29 29 21 8     10 10 1   10   10 1.138 0.724 0.724 1.862 2
Mike Johnson 16 17 11 10   1 6 4 1   5   6 1.063 0.706 0.688 1.768 1
Mer Johner 22 25 15 7 2 1 15       5 2 9 0.682 0.640 0.682 1.322  
Jeff Bortoluzzi 23 23 15 3 2   12       4   8 0.522 0.652 0.652 1.174  
Denyse ? 11 11 7 3     7       2   5 0.636 0.636 0.636 1.273 1
Adam Rath 12 12 7 5 1   3 3   1 5   5 1.083 0.583 0.583 1.667  
Tim Phelan 31 32 17 6 1 1 14 2 1   12   12 0.677 0.563 0.548 1.240 4
Rob Timlick 44 47 24 9 1 3 19 4 1   14   14 0.682 0.574 0.545 1.256 6
Jean Guy Trudeau 33 34 18 10 2 1 16 2 1   14   13 0.697 0.559 0.545 1.256 3
Ryan Birdsell 18 19 9 9 1 1 6 2 1   5   8 0.722 0.526 0.500 1.249 1
Lauren Donahue 4 5 2     1 2       3   2 0.500 0.600 0.500 1.100  
Mel Morison 21 22 10 2 1 1 10       3   7 0.476 0.500 0.476 0.976 3
Shawna McKenzie 23 23 10 6 2   10       10   7 0.435 0.435 0.435 0.870 2
Matt Donahue 28 28 12 9 1   7 3 1 1 5   10 0.714 0.429 0.429 1.143 5
Bobbi Taylor 40 40 17 11 1   16 1     5   13 0.450 0.425 0.425 0.875 6
Justin Danielson 4 4     2           1   2 0.000 0.000 0.000 0.000  
Kathleen Dawson 2 2                     1 0.000 0.000 0.000 0.000 1
Margaret ? 1 2   1   1             1 0.000 0.500 0.000 0.500  
TOTALS 382 398 210 112 17 14 165 34 7 2 112 2 140 0.686 0.563 0.550 1.249 36


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A Tale of Two Seasons

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Too Much Suck to Count

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We Be Spaceballin

September 29, 2015   read more

Spaceballs: The Championship Team

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If the Spaceballs Win and Their Captain Isn't There, Does it Count?

July 30, 2015   read more

How do you make The Kraken?

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