We Be Spaceballin
Posted September 29, 2015
So, I've been on assignment in the field and somewhat delinquent in my slo-pitch reporting duties for the fall season. By somewhat, I mean completely. This means I've had to rely on my inside source for information on the team's activities over the last month. My gingery inside source prefers to remain anonymous to protect his pitching arm, so I won't reveal his name. I always protect my sources. Sources are like external genitalia; soft, vulnerable, and requiring loving caresses and protection.
The weather has been beautiful for fall ball, but the results on the field have been mixed. Not like delicious cocktail mixed either. More like colliding with Donaskroob in the outfield mixed: sure you get the pleasure of touching him, but it hurts like hell for weeks afterwards....and there's the transmission of herpes. So, fall ball has seen some highs, such as the 24-4 pounding they gave opponents in their season finale, and some lows, such as the 20-6 loss in the tournament playoffs. To their credit, the team has been dealing with multiple injuries and absences and has kept chugging along, having fun along the way, with the help of some super awesome subs!
The new additions to the fall team have been generally welcome except my source tells me that his Frenchiness retreats at the first sign of trouble at the plate, that Bobbi is a total diva, Jeff is a raging egomaniac loudmouth, and Tim is horrible at giving blowjobs. My source is pretty reliable, so.....
My source has also commented on Donaskroob's drug and alcohol problem. He says it's affecting his ability to play ball and get an erection in the dugout. "What else is the dugout for if not for hot bum sex between innings?" said my source as he sobbed on my shoulder. Oh, he also thinks Ben is a better catcher than pitcher....sexually! Sexual innuendo, totally out of the blue!
Next up are the playoffs where the Spaceballs go from suck to awesome blow (except Tim...see above)! Stay tuned, dear readers. Also, stats are in the table below. Can't get the website stats page working again. To summarize, Rob and JG lead in RBI and Donahue is tied for the HR lead....the fuck?
Gunner's Mate First Class, Phillip Asshole
Player | AB | PA | H | R | K | BB | 1B | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | SAC | G | Slug | OB% | AVG | OPS | FC |
Ben Vickery | 20 | 23 | 15 | 13 | 3 | 12 | 3 | 9 | 7 | 0.900 | 0.783 | 0.750 | 1.683 | 1 | ||||
Ryan McDougall | 29 | 29 | 21 | 8 | 10 | 10 | 1 | 10 | 10 | 1.138 | 0.724 | 0.724 | 1.862 | 2 | ||||
Mike Johnson | 16 | 17 | 11 | 10 | 1 | 6 | 4 | 1 | 5 | 6 | 1.063 | 0.706 | 0.688 | 1.768 | 1 | |||
Mer Johner | 22 | 25 | 15 | 7 | 2 | 1 | 15 | 5 | 2 | 9 | 0.682 | 0.640 | 0.682 | 1.322 | ||||
Jeff Bortoluzzi | 23 | 23 | 15 | 3 | 2 | 12 | 4 | 8 | 0.522 | 0.652 | 0.652 | 1.174 | ||||||
Denyse ? | 11 | 11 | 7 | 3 | 7 | 2 | 5 | 0.636 | 0.636 | 0.636 | 1.273 | 1 | ||||||
Adam Rath | 12 | 12 | 7 | 5 | 1 | 3 | 3 | 1 | 5 | 5 | 1.083 | 0.583 | 0.583 | 1.667 | ||||
Tim Phelan | 31 | 32 | 17 | 6 | 1 | 1 | 14 | 2 | 1 | 12 | 12 | 0.677 | 0.563 | 0.548 | 1.240 | 4 | ||
Rob Timlick | 44 | 47 | 24 | 9 | 1 | 3 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 14 | 14 | 0.682 | 0.574 | 0.545 | 1.256 | 6 | ||
Jean Guy Trudeau | 33 | 34 | 18 | 10 | 2 | 1 | 16 | 2 | 1 | 14 | 13 | 0.697 | 0.559 | 0.545 | 1.256 | 3 | ||
Ryan Birdsell | 18 | 19 | 9 | 9 | 1 | 1 | 6 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 8 | 0.722 | 0.526 | 0.500 | 1.249 | 1 | ||
Lauren Donahue | 4 | 5 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 0.500 | 0.600 | 0.500 | 1.100 | |||||||
Mel Morison | 21 | 22 | 10 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 10 | 3 | 7 | 0.476 | 0.500 | 0.476 | 0.976 | 3 | ||||
Shawna McKenzie | 23 | 23 | 10 | 6 | 2 | 10 | 10 | 7 | 0.435 | 0.435 | 0.435 | 0.870 | 2 | |||||
Matt Donahue | 28 | 28 | 12 | 9 | 1 | 7 | 3 | 1 | 1 | 5 | 10 | 0.714 | 0.429 | 0.429 | 1.143 | 5 | ||
Bobbi Taylor | 40 | 40 | 17 | 11 | 1 | 16 | 1 | 5 | 13 | 0.450 | 0.425 | 0.425 | 0.875 | 6 | ||||
Justin Danielson | 4 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 2 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | |||||||||
Kathleen Dawson | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 0.000 | 1 | ||||||||||
Margaret ? | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0.000 | 0.500 | 0.000 | 0.500 | |||||||||
TOTALS | 382 | 398 | 210 | 112 | 17 | 14 | 165 | 34 | 7 | 2 | 112 | 2 | 140 | 0.686 | 0.563 | 0.550 | 1.249 | 36 |